Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS
How-i-met-your-mother

Barney [about waiting in line for a wedding dress sale]: I can't go, I've got this thing....
Lily: What thing?
Barney: ...a penis

Step one, you start running. There is no step two

Barney [about how easy it is to run a marathon]

Ted: So let me get this straight. A funeral is the one time you don't suit up?
Barney: Have I taught you nothing, Ted?
Ted: Virtually.
Barney: Suits are full of joy. They're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.
Lily: Sartorial?
Barney: Of, or pertaining to, tailors or their trade. Suits are for the living. That's why, when it's my time to R.I.P. I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it. BUCK NAKED. Yeah. It's gonna be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies

Marshall: But just to make sure it records, maybe we should bow our heads and say a quiet prayer to the TiVo gods.
Ted: Almighty TiVo, We thank you for all the gifts you have given us. The power to freeze live TV to go take a leak is nothing short of god-like. And let's not forget fast-forwarding through commercials. It seems greedy to ask anything more from you, o magic box, but if you malfunction and miss the Super Bowl, we will destroy you in the alley with baseball bats.
Marshall and Ted: Amen.

Barney: You have been blessed with a wonderful gift.
Lily: Thank you.
Barney: I meant me

You gave me the Ken doll... She left out Little Barney, Barnacle Junior, My Barnana, Barnito Surpreme

Barney [seeing his nude painting]

Lily [trying to paint Barney with a sword in his hand]: I don't think your sword will fit.
Barney: I get that a lot.

In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story

Barney

Robin: You know what? You gave it away too early. You're an "I love you" slut.
Ted: Yeah, well you're an "I love you" prude. You know what? I'm taking mine back.
Robin : You can't do that!
Ted : Just did. In fact, I'm giving it away, because I'm a slut.
Ted [to a stranger]: Hey, I love you.
Stranger : Thanks, man! I came in here to jump. I really needed that.

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