Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS
How-i-met-your-mother

Lily: These cigars aren't helping at all.
Robin: Yeah, this was a terrible idea.
Lily: Uggh, now it just smells like a...homeless guy threw up in here.

Robin: Shut up! Now listen to me. The clock is ticking. Okay, first thing: we scoop up all these little pieces of tofu and cabbage. Next, what we need to take care of are the messy parts; the pools that have collected. We gotta soak that soup up. Last...is the smell. We gotta cover up that Tam Kuk Gye. You mentioned cigars?
Lily: There's two in the glove compartment, but he's been saving...
Robin: Hand me those chopsticks.

Robin: Oh, my God. You've been robbed.
Ted: Nope. Just got rid of all my old girlfriend stuff.
Robin: All that stuff was from your exes? Didn't you buy any stuff of your own?
Ted: What can I say? Papi got swag.

Robin: Eight Flights of Stairs. Who puts a theater up 8 flights of stairs? What kind of building is this?
Barney: Well from the smell of it, a Urine Factory

New York is famous for its theater, but there are different levels. There's Broadway; off-Broadway; off-off-Broadway; homeless people screaming in the park; and below that, the play your Aunt Lily was in

Future Ted

She's leaving expensive lotions all over town. Sounds like a whore to me!

Robin

Barney [about waiting in line for a wedding dress sale]: I can't go, I've got this thing....
Lily: What thing?
Barney: ...a penis

Step one, you start running. There is no step two

Barney [about how easy it is to run a marathon]

Ted: So let me get this straight. A funeral is the one time you don't suit up?
Barney: Have I taught you nothing, Ted?
Ted: Virtually.
Barney: Suits are full of joy. They're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.
Lily: Sartorial?
Barney: Of, or pertaining to, tailors or their trade. Suits are for the living. That's why, when it's my time to R.I.P. I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it. BUCK NAKED. Yeah. It's gonna be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies

Marshall: But just to make sure it records, maybe we should bow our heads and say a quiet prayer to the TiVo gods.
Ted: Almighty TiVo, We thank you for all the gifts you have given us. The power to freeze live TV to go take a leak is nothing short of god-like. And let's not forget fast-forwarding through commercials. It seems greedy to ask anything more from you, o magic box, but if you malfunction and miss the Super Bowl, we will destroy you in the alley with baseball bats.
Marshall and Ted: Amen.

Barney: You have been blessed with a wonderful gift.
Lily: Thank you.
Barney: I meant me

You gave me the Ken doll... She left out Little Barney, Barnacle Junior, My Barnana, Barnito Surpreme

Barney [seeing his nude painting]
Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 94 in total

How I Met Your Mother Season 2 Quotes

Barney: Ladies and gentlemen, I have in my hand a copy of tonight's Top Ten list. The category: top ten things I would've called my truck...
Ted: It was never your truck.
Barney: if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back.
Ted: It was a rental.
Barney: Number ten, "The Winne-Bango." Number nine, "The Pick-Up Truck." Number eight, "The Ford Explore Her." Number seven, "The You Scream Truck." You Scream. (they all laugh) Number six, "Feels on Wheels!" Hello! Number five, "The Ride Her Truck." Number four, "The 18-Squeeler." Number three, "The Esca-Laid." Number two, "The Slam-Boney." and... the number one thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back... "The '69 Chevy."

Barney: For the first time...ever...the three of us are single at the same time. I've dreamed about this day, boys, and it is going to be le...gen...dary! Together we will own this city. Any time a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriend, we'll be there. Any time a girl wants to...solve her father issues through promiscuity and binge drinking WE WILL BE there. Any time a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo, sticking their heads out the sunroof, shouting "WHAT'S UP NEW YORK!!", we will be what is "up" New York! Gentlemen, we are about to embark on...
[Barney looks at Robin and Ted...]
Barney: Oh man, you guys did it, didn't you?!

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