How I Met Your Mother

Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS
How i met your mother

Barney [to James]: Oh man, I am so excited that you're here! It has been forever since I have been around anyone even remotely fun!
Barney [to Ted, Marshall, Lily and Robin]: Huh... yes offense

Barney [about his brother]: He's the awesomest, most best-lookingest, greatest guy ever!
Lily: He's exactly like Barney.
Barney: That's what I just said.

Marshall: Oh, poor me. I get to order yummy pink drinks with chunks of real fruit that guys secretly like but can't order because they'll be made fun of.
Ted: Dude
Marshall: They're delicious!

Robin: Bras suck. They're so confining and unnatural.
Lily: Yeah, they're like a boobie zoo.

Hold on to your bedsores grandparents from Willy Wonka!

Barney

Barney: (After being slapped by Marshall) Your hands are monsterous.
Marshall: What did you expect? You've seen my penis.

Ted: You are driving me crazy. No wonder your fake husband moved to Hong Kong.
Robin: He moved there for business!

Lily: Like you really need an excuse to watch porn.
Barney: Canadian porn. Trust me when I tell you their universal health care plan doesn't cover breast implants. If I have to watch one more flat-chested Nova Scotian riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni, I'm going to go "oot" of my mind.

Barney: Fine, if you wanna know what Robin's secret is...
Ted: You know??!
Barney: Of course I know. She couldn't look at us. Her face got flushed. That's shame, my friend. Our friend Robin used to do porn....wait for it....ography!
Ted: Yea, we didn't really need to wait for that. And it's ridiculous!
Lily: I don't know. He could be right. She does have the fake orgasm noises down.
Ted: Hey!
Lily: What? The walls are thin.
Ted: That's not what I'm 'hey'-ing you about.

[Barney describing deal breakers in flashbacks...]
Girl #1: It's a promise ring. I made a pact with God to stay a virgin till I'm married.
Barney: Ohhhh.....
Girl #2: I don't have an eating disorder, it's just when I put food in my mouth, I chew it and then I spit it out!
Barney: Ohhhh.....
Girl #3: I just turned 30.
Barney: Ohhhhhh.....

Ted: Wha...I don't get it! Why won't Robin tell me why she hates malls?
Barney: Ted, you should be happy Robin has a secret. The more you learn about a person, the better chance you have of hitting the fatal "Ohhh..." moment.
Marshall: The "Ohhh..." moment?
Barney: Yeah. That moment when you find out that one detail about a person that is going to be a deal-breaker

Ted: You're scared of the seven dwarves?
Robin: Just of Doc. He's creepy... I mean, the guy went to medical school, what is he doing living with six coalminers

Displaying quotes 37 - 48 of 94 in total

How I Met Your Mother Season 2 Quotes

Barney: Ladies and gentlemen, I have in my hand a copy of tonight's Top Ten list. The category: top ten things I would've called my truck...
Ted: It was never your truck.
Barney: if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back.
Ted: It was a rental.
Barney: Number ten, "The Winne-Bango." Number nine, "The Pick-Up Truck." Number eight, "The Ford Explore Her." Number seven, "The You Scream Truck." You Scream. (they all laugh) Number six, "Feels on Wheels!" Hello! Number five, "The Ride Her Truck." Number four, "The 18-Squeeler." Number three, "The Esca-Laid." Number two, "The Slam-Boney." and... the number one thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back... "The '69 Chevy."

Barney: For the first time...ever...the three of us are single at the same time. I've dreamed about this day, boys, and it is going to be le...gen...dary! Together we will own this city. Any time a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriend, we'll be there. Any time a girl wants to...solve her father issues through promiscuity and binge drinking WE WILL BE there. Any time a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo, sticking their heads out the sunroof, shouting "WHAT'S UP NEW YORK!!", we will be what is "up" New York! Gentlemen, we are about to embark on...
[Barney looks at Robin and Ted...]
Barney: Oh man, you guys did it, didn't you?!

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