Robin: Now we go back to exactly the way things were before.
Barney: Okay.
Robin [whispering]: Okay.
Barney: All right... So Robin?
Robin: Yes Barney?
Barney: Guess who nailed the chick from Metro News One last night?

Robin: Okay, here's the deal Barney; the moment my feet touch the ground this never happened.
Barney: Okay. Wait! [lifts up covers] Right-Click, Save As, Into the b-peg folder and Okay! This never happened. It's a good plan

Barney: So... I just slept with my best friend's ex-girlfriend.
Robin: And I just slept with ex-boyfriend's really good friend.
Barney: Best friend.

Barney: In my experience the way this normally goes is we lie here for a while; make a little awkward chit-chat.
Robin: Check.
Barney: Then I make up some cabinet meeting, heart surgery, rocket test flight I got to be at, slip out of your apartment and never call you again.
Robin: And later at the bar you tell your good friend Robin the story of your latest conquest and she wonders to herself "Who is this sad, self-loathing idiot who climbed in to bed with Barney Stinson?"
Barney: Actually, you usually say that out loud

You know, if you re-edit there's a tampon commercial in here somewhere

Barney [referring to Robin's music video]

Barney: You're the most awesome person I've ever met. Well, second.
Robin: Right, first being you.
Barney: No, actually, it's this guy I know who lives in something called the mirror. What up?

Barney: Shotgun for eternity!
Robin: You can't call shotgun for eternity.
Barney: I call that I can call things

Ted: Gee, is that ice cream cone big enough?
Robin: Uhhh, it's delicious enough

Hey! I don't remember you. I've spent the last two days trying to remember every girl that I've slept with and all of the horrible things that I have done to them-- and I have done some horrible things. I mean, at one point I'm pretty sure I sold a woman. I didn't speak the language, but I shook a guy's hands, he gave me the keys to a Mercedes, and I left her there. I am the guy who keeps a scrapbook of all the women I have slept with, but I never thought I was the guy who would sleep with a girl and not even remember her. So, from the bottom of my heart, for whatever I did to you, I apologize

Barney

Barney: There are four kinds of women who go to the hardware store by themselves.
Robin: Of course there are.
Barney: Single, recently single, recently divorced, lesbian who will let me watch.
Lily: You can not be more evil.
Barney: Sorry five. Recently widowed.

Stella: Ah the butterfly tramp stamp, my bread and butter. So I'm guessing that the real stories involves a bad break up and some booze, unless it's a gang tattoo in which case I thinks time to, find a new gang.
Ted: Ah no, I just thought it would be cool to get a caterpillar tattoo, then a few weeks went by and all of the sudden

Ted: I mean, do you know what you're gonna want for lunch ten weeks from now?
Marshall: Sloppy Joe, shrimp cocktail, and a milkshake.

How I Met Your Mother Season 3 Quotes

Barney: Shotgun for eternity!
Robin: You can't call shotgun for eternity.
Barney: I call that I can call things

Barney: Open your brain tank bro, cuz here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge. There's three rules of cheating: 1. It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married. 2. It's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels. 3. And its not cheating if she's from a different area code. You're fine on all three counts.
Ted: How do you know she's from a different area code?
Barney: She's 516. She might dress like she's 718 and act like she's 212, but trust me she's 516. Oh, and her husband letting her out alone on St. Patty's Day? If that dude's not 973 I'm 307...Wyoming.