It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Season 1 Quotes

Season 1 Episode 7: "Charlie Got Molested"

Dee: Three-quarters of a major is a lot bigger than a whole minor.
 • Rating: Unrated

Mac: If the McPoyles got blown, and Charlie got blown, then why didn't I get blown?
Dennis: You're goin' to hell, dude.
Dee: Seriously.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ryan: We can always split it 50/50/50.
Liam: Do you even hear what you're saying?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Where's your brother dude?
Liam: We just stepped out of the shower. He'll be down in a minute.
Charlie: Alright li--listen, you guys can't go... did you just say we?
Liam: What?
Charlie: Did you just say we just stepped out of the shower?
Liam: I said "he."
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Dennis: So, you're not going to get in any trouble at all?
Charlie: Uh, no, no, not really. And since the McPoyles are going to plead guilty I'm sort of off the hook completely.
Dennis: That's great!
Dee: Oh, I'm sorry, was he saying that the intervention worked?
Dennis: No, I don't think that's what he's saying.
Dee: What are you talking about? It was the final push Charlie needed. Turns out: Three-quarters of a major, not so bad after all.
Charlie: Oh, and the best part of it actually for me now is the fact that everybody thinks that I've been molested. So in a way, my life is ruined. Uh, in the meantime, I'm gonna go in the back office and cry, and cry, and cry, and drink for a while.
Dennis: Emotional release, another giant step forward.
Dee: God, we're good. Doctor.
Dennis: Doctor.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: OK, OK. First of all, there are people out there who actually have been molested and you guys are going to exploit that for your own personal gain? You assholes are securing your places in hell.
Ryan: We've thought about it. We're willing to roll the dice.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 6: "The Gang Finds a Dead Guy"

Charlie: There are, like, so many medals in there, dude. This guy was probably like King nazi.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: I'll tell you what. I'll go with you, but you have to let me borrow your car any time I want.
Dee: No
Charlie: Every now and then...
Dee: No
Charlie: One time.
Dee: All right.
Charlie: And, you have to take me to lunch twice a week for a year.
Dee: No, I don't.
Charlie: Once a week.
Dee: Mmm-mm.
Charlie: Today.
Dee: Okay
 • Rating: Unrated

Mac: Great. Great for you. You must be really proud of yourself. Awesome, (hands Dennis a photo) your grandfather's a Nazi.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Dee: I have a little bit of a problem with old people...I find them kinda creepy...and scary. And gross, kinda gross. It's their hands really, you can see right through 'em and all their inside business.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Dee: Oh, you are being ridiculous. He's a professional football player.
Mac: No, look, I'm not talking about killing the guy. I'm just talking about going up there with a group of dudes and intimidate him, maybe break his arm.
Dee: You can't break Tom Brady's arm.
Mac: Oh yes, I can! No more Super Bowls for that pretty boy.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 1 Episode 5: "Gun Fever"

Dee: We talked about it, and we decided that we need to get rid of that gun.
Dennis: Oh, oh, the gun...yeah, we're getting rid of the gun.
Mac: You could have been killed. Dennis could have killed you.
Charlie: Okay, good, yes, I think that would be for the best... ah...mm...Dee, could you get me a nurse?
Dee: Yeah, sure. [exits]
Charlie: Tell me we're not getting rid of that gun.
Mac: No way!
Dennis pulls gun out of his pants]: Never.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dennis: If that log was trying to rob the place, you totally would've killed it.
 • Rating: Unrated

Mac: You are such a dildo, dude.
Dennis: Thanks, dude, thanks. That's a good way to start the day.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Mac: We need to be rational.
Charlie: All right, all right.
Mac: Okay, I thinks it's clear what needs to happen.
Dee: What?
Mac: We need to buy a gun!
 • Rating: Unrated

Dennis: Oh my God, Charlie, I shot you in your head! I am so sorry!
 • Rating: Unrated

Mac: Charlie my boy, you got the gun fever.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Season 1 Episode 4: "Charlie Has Cancer"

Dennis: What's the one thing that Charlie never gets?
Mac: Laid.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dennis: I don't get it, Dee: There are tons of women in this city; where do they go?
Dee: They're at velvet-rope clubs on Delaware Avenue.
Dennis: Why?
Dee: Dennis, our bar is in south Philly in a scary alley...might as well call it "Rape Bar."
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Look, the girl, she wears a Lance Armstrong bracelet, OK? So I tell you I have cancer, right? Then you're gonna tell her, she's going to feel sorry for me, we're going to start dating, and that's the way the lie works!
Dennis: That's a horrible thing to do!
Charlie: Well, I'm a bad guy then!
Dennis: You are a bad guy! You lied to us!
Charlie: All right look at this, sometimes you've got to crack a few eggs to make an omelet.
Dennis: You've got to crack a couple eggs to make an omelet?
Charlie: Yeah, you gotta crack an egg.
Dennis: So you're throwing down life lessons now?
Charlie: I'm throwing down eggs!
Dennis: Class is in session, the teacher's teaching class now!
Charlie: I'm cracking eggs of wisdom!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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