It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Season 1 Quotes (Page 2)

Season 1 Episode 4: "Charlie Has Cancer"

Mac: Carmen, you got the most amazing body. Are you bulimic or what?
 • Rating: Unrated

Mac: Is that a penis in your pants?
Carmen: Yeah.
Mac: You lied to me.
Carmen: No, I didn't. You lied to me. You don't workout? Please! I've seen you at the gym. You're ripped.
Mac: No, don't turn this around -- wait, really? You think so?
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 3: "Underage Drinking: A National Concern"

Dennis: We could get into a lot of trouble for this.
Dee: And we also have a social responsibility to keep teenagers from drinking.
Charlie: I guess.
Mac: Well, I don't know about that, though. Hold on, I mean, wait a second, hear me out, hear me out: it wasn't that long ago that we were in the same position as these youngsters, right? I mean, we'd get kicked out of some bar and what did we do, Den? We would get a bunch of forties from a homeless guy and we would go sit in some park.
Charlie: That is true.
Mac: That is absolutely true. And what would happen? We would almost get raped and/or murdered and/or stabbed by the crackheads in Fairmount Park.
Dee: Hello, Stephen.
Charlie: You want to know what else what would happen? We drove Nicky Potnick's car into a tree on Kelly Drive.
Dennis: With Sweet Dee in the back seat, puking all over the headrest because some guy talked to her that she liked, remember that? Every time some guy talks to you that you like, you get so nervous that you drink yourself into oblivion.
Dee: No, no, I had bad potato salad.
Mac: You abused alcohol, and that's OK, that's OK, but it's very dangerous, right? Right? Well, maybe we should look at this whole thing from a different angle. Maybe we have a social responsibility to provide a safe haven for these kids to be kids. You know, experiment!
Dee: No, I don't like where this is headed.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Trey is so cool, he's totally going to bang your sister.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dee: I don't know how you guys live with yourselves.
Charlie: One day at a time.
Mac: One day at a time.
Dennis: One day at a time.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dee: Mac, you are so pathetic.
Mac: Yes, and your eyebrows are drawn on.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dee: I never statutory raped anyone before.
Trey: Oh...okay, I'll tell you what: let's just take it slow.
Dee: You are so sweet...where were you when I was in high school?
Trey: I was eight.
Dee: Right...Yeah...
 • Rating: Unrated

Dee: Can we please get out of here, let's go.
Mac: Why?
Dee: Trey asked me to prom last night. This is getting really weird.
Charlie: That girl Sarah asked me too.
Dee: You're kidding?
Mac: What, no we can't go to the prom, that's pathetic.
Charlie: What do you mean we, who asked you?
Mac: Let's just go. Let's just go.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dee: I went out with tons of guys in high school.
Dennis: You wore that scoliosis back brace until you were twenty years old. Everyone was afraid of you.
Dee: No, they weren't.
Dennis: You looked like a monster!
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 2: "Charlie Wants an Abortion"

Dee: Are you actually gonn throw away all you convictions for a chance to get laid?
Dennis: I don't really have any convictions.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Megan: What's this?
Mac: That's a list of the doctors I'm going to kill.
Megan: There's two already crossed out.
Mac: Yeah, I know.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dee: So, you're not allowed to use birth control, but abortions are no problem?
 • Rating: Unrated

Dee: Did you use birth control?
Mac: Whoa, Dee. We went to Catholic school, so...
Dee: Okay, so, you're allowed to have premarital sex, but you're not allowed to use birth control?
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: I will smash your face into, into a jelly!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Dennis: I think all these chicks are gay.
Dee: Yeah, I don't know that they're gay; I think they can just smell how disgusting you are.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dennis: So do you come to these kind of things often, or?
Pro-Choice Woman: Are you hitting on me at an abortion rally?
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Ah, I mean I wish I could go back in time and do the right thing, you know?
Dee: Like be there for her?
Charlie: No get her an abortion.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Come stand next to me, then.
Dee: Why?
Charlie: So she doesn't think I'm creepy.
Dee: Well, you are creepy.
Charlie: I realize this. That's why I need you.
 • Rating: Unrated

Tommy: You have to buy me a toy.
Charlie: I don't have to buy you s**t.
Tommy: If you don't buy me anything, I'm going to tell my mom you took me to a black people's house.
Dee: Okay.
Charlie: Wow! Oh, my God! That's racist. What do you, what do you say to that?
Tommy: You still have to buy me a toy!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Mac: You know, Den, I was thinking about what you were saying the other day about the t-shirts with the stupid slogans on them, and I was wondering what you think about this! (reveals a shirt that says "Death to baby killers") Huh, bitch? Yeah, is that stupid enough for ya?
 • Rating: Unrated

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