Favorite Louie Quotes
You know what your problem is? You're just a... pencil... penis... parade
It's a rug! It's fine! That's the level of passion a rug warrants. It's a rug. It doesn't solve all my problems. But it doesn't make me angry. It's a rug. It doesn't smell bad. It's flat. It's blue. It goes on the floor. It's not coated with AIDS. And it's not a portal to a nether place. It doesn't make me cum, but it's fine.
They're all the same. They're all made from the same Asian suffering. There's no difference
Louie [on getting the best machine]
Because you eat raw meat and you shit in the tub and you wreck everything. And as long as you act like that, no one's gonna like you, no one's gonna want to be around you.
You have to do research. You have to go on Amazon and read a really long review written by an insane person... who's been dead for months because he shot his wife and then himself after explaining to you that the remote is counterintuitive. It's got really small buttons on the remote he said before he murder-suicided his whole family.
Louie [on consumerism being a job]
Tune in every night, folks. It's the Crying Cleaning Lady show!
Dahl
Like I want to fuck Scarlett Johansson. I don't know her. I never met her or saw her in person. But I just know. Come on. I just know that would be the greatest thing to ever happen to me. And the worst thing to ever happen to her. I don't even jerk off to her - that's how much I like her.
I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter. I mean, life isn't that long. Eighty some odd years. Buy some shit. Use it. It breaks. Try to fuck somebody. Hope your shits don't hurt too bad. I'm 44 now - you start doing that math. And it's happy math now. Like, when you're in your 20s, you're like, 'how long will my life seem? I hope it's a nice long story and I hope like I feel I didn't die too soon. You get to your forties and you're like, 'I'm almost there, man. Alright! Yeah!
Your sperms are dying inside my mouth right now. Goddamit! Where are the gentlemen? What is wrong with our country?
Lori
It's kind of like the people who live up there. Some of them have been living there their whole lives and have never seen where they live. Then you look up there and see them on their balconies and they're alone and you kind of feel sorry for them because they're alone you know.
Ramon
Young, gorgeous women must have the hardest time. A lot of people think they have advantages. Like 'oh you're a pretty girl, it's easy, people buy you drinks' oh wow, boy, what is that - a $16 savings every week? Free drinks! It must be so much pressure to be like a really cute young girl. First of all, you're smaller than most people, you're an adult, and you're walking around and there are just MASSIVE men like 3 times your size and every single *GRUNTS LOUDLY LIKE A CAVEMAN* - that's a lot to take on. Someone else's cum fantasy. Like he just looks at you and you just feel buckets of cum hit you in the face.
You just ate a strawberry that you can't have.
Louie [after a hot blonde asks for a strawberry and eats it without waiting for a reply]
