Favorite Louie Quotes
When he (Barney) died, I felt nothing. I didn't care. But I knew - when I pictured him going in the ground - and nobody's there, he's alone, it gave me nightmares.
Sent here? What are you, a letter? Nobody sent you.
Jack Dahl
You just ate a strawberry that you can't have.
Louie [after a hot blonde asks for a strawberry and eats it without waiting for a reply]
Young, gorgeous women must have the hardest time. A lot of people think they have advantages. Like 'oh you're a pretty girl, it's easy, people buy you drinks' oh wow, boy, what is that - a $16 savings every week? Free drinks! It must be so much pressure to be like a really cute young girl. First of all, you're smaller than most people, you're an adult, and you're walking around and there are just MASSIVE men like 3 times your size and every single *GRUNTS LOUDLY LIKE A CAVEMAN* - that's a lot to take on. Someone else's cum fantasy. Like he just looks at you and you just feel buckets of cum hit you in the face.
I went on a date and I get nervous when I date. I get very nervous. I went on this date and we went out to dinner and all these things then I took her home and she went inside, and then I farted for the rest of my life.
That's young nervous penis. When you're 24 and single, your penis is like the young, nervous guy in the World War II movie in the foxhole. Any sound your penis hears, it's like, 'WHAT WAS THAT?!? LET'S GO! LET'S GO LET'S GO! I'm married in my 50s. My penis is relaxed. My penis is sitting in the chair, smoking a pipe, reading the paper. My penis is like Bing Crosby. It hears a noise it's like 'I think I heard a noise, could be a hand, could be a vagina, bub bub bub.
Alan
I'm having my vagina removed... I want to get rid of my vagina before Easter.
Never's Mom
Shit... there's not even enough time to jerk off.
I know it's not popular to say, but I hate balloons.
Also I need you to know that I don't say 'no' to him." (quickly walks away and hails a cab) "And he can't eat anything with carbon in it. It's all from China!
Never's Mom
Jim, why do you have a child's crude drawing of a woman with a scraggly bush sucking a huge cock?
Sarah Silverman
Female Anchor: That's right. Statistics show that New Year's Eve is when people are most likely to commit suicide. More than 500 New Yorkers are expected to take their own lives tonight, especially those who are spending New Year's Eve by themselves.
Male Anchor: All by themselves.
Female Anchor: With no one by your body.
Male Anchor: Go ahead and put that gun in your mouth.
