Favorite Louie Quotes
Jesus, Louie! You got me right in the face!
Jimmy Norton [after Louie throws up]
Tell the truth. You're scared. You're a rookie. You're like some kid at a talent show with a number pinned to his shirt.
Dahl [To Louie]
Funnyman, listen up. We're taking the kids down to Mexico to see your abuelita. We're staying at the Casa Grande Hotel. It's got a heated pool, hot wings on tap. Now I got you a first class ticket out of that left wing Kennedy Airport and you must come, I will not take 'no' for an answer.
Doug
Doctor: What else is going on?
Louis: I got work and kids. It's hard sometimes. Boilerplate misery. Alone in the world.
Might as well be a maggot sucking a dead cat's face. What's the point... nothing
So... he was important to you? (pause) I'm pretty sure he was the biggest piece of shit I ever knew.
Louie [after Robin reveals Barney is his ex-wife's brother]
I owe you a blow job... So, notify me when you want me to - suck it.
Dolores
Hi, so listen either you gave me the crabs or I gave you the crabs but anyway I have the crabs and you were inside me last week so you got the crabs, too... Uh, so, fuck you! Or sorry. I don't know which one.
Maria
Are you taking water with it? (Yes) And food? (Yes, I've been taking it with my meals) And have you been urinating regularly? (Ugh. Yes, I have) How many times did you urinate today? (Well, I, uh, 3 times? I urinated 3 times today.) Did you have a bowel movement today? (Yes I did! I had a bowel movement!) What was it like? Was it soft?... was it hard? Or was your bowel movement normal? (Well, it was probably soft, but mostly normal) You should be fine.
Pharmacist
When I was a boy, I had a horse given to me by my father. And when I went away to school, I gave that horse to your father to care for. And, in three months, he let my horse die. (Long awkward pause) Louie, let me ask you something (holds up his middle finger as if giving Louie the finger) when man has intercourse with a prostitute, he covers his organ with protection (mimics the rolling on of a condom onto his middle finger) so the he won't catch her retchidness. He is acting in the interest of his family, so that he won't take it home to his wife. (Louie asks, "that's the question?") But, between a father and his son (mimics unrolling of condom off finger), there can be no separation. No boundary. A father calls, a son answers. A father beckons, a son comes! (still holding his middle finger in Louie's face) This is for life, Louie. For life!
Excelsior
This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me, and my dad hung himself in front of me, while masturbating.
Ben
Louie: I haven't seen my dad in two years.
Shaved Head Guy: I haven't seen my dad since he died.
Louie: Sorry about that.
Shaved Head Guy: Think about that, you quee-ah.
Why are you being such a little pussy about this? He's your
GPS
father. It's not like he touched your dick or anything.
