Favorite Louie Quotes
Yes, you're fat. And I have not tits. Let's be honest. That's the only way I'll stay with you.
Liz [after Louie asks why she wants him to walk]
You can't just drift through life and hope that love is going to float into you like plankton into a whale's f*cking mouth.
Chloe
You try to keep your kids safe and if you aren't doing it perfectly then why are you doing it at all? It's like this thing that starts to dawn on you. Like if my kids get in the car with me they have to buckle up. I'm not even starting this car until you buckle your seatbelts. And if we get in a taxi, it's fine. It's okay. Taxis are magic. Nobody dies. Just get in. Just go. I'm not diggin' in the seat for a belt. There's no way I'm blindly diggin' in to the Egyptian hepatitis and severed toes so you can put on your seatbelt. You gotta put on your own mask before helping the others. I'm not going through that. So, my kids get in a cab and they just hurdle through space at a speed determined by a profit motive of an exhausted man from another country where life is shit cheap, where kids die all day and it's boring.
Louie [on when Afghanistan kids find out about war] They find out. They find out when they ask, "How come Uncle Henry's head is gone now?"
Okay, I'm gonna come out and I'm gonna tell ya, I'm asking you out. That's what I'm doing, but please don't answer yet. Because I know you have a 'no' cued up in your head already. But please will you let me say a few things. I know that being a woman in New York must be hard because it's disappointing maybe because you try to be nice to men as human beings and they respond by torpedoing towards your vagina. I want you to know that I'm aware that you're young and beautiful and I'm not either of those things. And part of me knows that as soon as my lips stop moving that you'll say no. But please think of the fact that it's low risk what I'm asking. Ya just come out with me for a drink and even if you got up and left in the middle of the one drink, I wouldn't hold it against you. So, just make a judgment based on that nothing horrible would happen. If you came out with me, I think you're so attractive. I'm attracted to you because you're nice and you're a decent person and other reasons that you want people to be attracted to. Also, you're horribly cute. I mean, you're cute as hell. I grow on people. On women. Some time goes by you get past the bald head and I sweat a lot and I'm lumpy. I've run out of things to say. Can you tell me now?
Clerk [re: a book for Louie's daughter which he says she hasn't read yet]: Okay, give her this and tell her not to read it at night because it's too scary. The idea is that she will read it at night. It will be like a really wrongful thrill for her.
Jesus, now I'm all dicked up in the head. Thought it was simple with you.
Maria
"You have to examine yourself once in a while, you can't just say, 'I voted for Obama, I can't be prejudice, it's impossible.'
In 10 years, you're gonna be teaching comedy at a community college and you'll be falling asleep to the Late Show... with Jerry Seinfeld. You're circling failure in a rapidly declining orbit.
Garry Marshall
Say what you don't know and learn everything.
Louie [translating Ramon's Spanish]
Well you know, you're the hip guy, the cool guy. That used to be me. But then you gotta do 14 minutes a night, every single night. Nobody's hip every single night.
Jay Leno
Just because you like to hang out in your underwear on your couch doesn't mean the United States of America wants to see it.
Jack Dahl
