Favorite Mike & Molly Quotes
Story of my life. I give a woman my heart and she says no thanks, balls please.
Vince
I'm still not going to risk my life flying halfway around the world just to see free boobs.
Mike [to Carl]: I'm gonna order lunch. Can I get you anything?
Christina: Get him a spine, in case he was born without one.
Molly: You're not hanging your nudie pics in the house.
Joyce: Of course not. [To Vince] We can still get the t-shirts and coffee mugs, though.
Don't go too expensive. Just a place where the fork and spoon are two different things.
Molly [to Mike]
Victoria: Well, everybody dies. I just want to make sure they're ready for whatever is waiting for them.
Mike: Might as well hedge your bets. If there is an afterlife, you don't want to be the ugly one.
Victoria: Hey Mol, hey Mike.
Molly: That's not Mike.
Victoria: Oh, I'm sorry. I just saw a chubby hand holding a remote.
Look at me. My car is lost, I'm riding this stinky bus, I'm an hour late to my party, but because I know Molly is there waiting for me it's the best birthday of my life.
Victoria: Kind of like when you get pulled over by the cops and you're high on weed. You gotta act straight, but not too straight.
Molly: You know, I never thought I'd say this, but you are absolutely right.
Amira was very impressed with your car. The valet at the restaurant, not so much.
Samuel
Watch you wolf down a waffle with strawberry compote while your mother describes what a blood bath your birth was? No thank you.
Carl
It's Valentine's Day. The city is filled with jilted jumpers. You're lucky you got your own ledge!
Carl [to Jumper]
