Wednesdays 9:00 PM on ABC

Put the 'he' in 'hero,' son.


The new maid keeps mixing up my underwear with Manny's. Put on the first thing I grabbed. It was like a crotch tourniquet.


Claire's a perfectionist, which sometimes is a good thing, like when it comes to picking a husband.


What people do in the privacy of their own sports arena should be their own business.


I get it, you're terrfied of small talk and birds, you're just lucky that pigeon didn't want to chat you up about the weather.


My dad says the greatest singer who ever lived is Peabo Bryson.


Calm down, you know I grew up around many animals. One time a rooster attacked me and my mom rung its neck and we had it for dinner.


Claire: Quick, quick tell me something to say that will freak him out.
Haley: Tell him I'm pregnant!

I brought my own snacks, not because I'm cheap — it's a matter of principle. Plus I get a little rush from the danger. Be cool, be cool, be cool! Just look straight ahead... I've never felt more alive. WoOo!

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