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Oh, here we go, because in Colombia we trip over goats and we kill people in the street! Do you know how offensive that is? Like we're Peruvians!


Phil: I am completely on board your mother's horse and buggy to yesteryear. For the next week, I may as well be Amish. Jebediah Dunphy: Raisin' barns, witnessin' murders, making electric-fireplace hearths.

Gloria: I took him to a farm where he has plenty of room to run.
Jay: That's the second thing they say when something's dead.

Don't skimp on linens. Don't compliment a teacher on her figure. And when it comes to my mom, never ask questions I don't want the answers to.


I don't get how one dog keeps you awake when you grew up sleeping through cockfights and revolutions.

Jay [to Glorida]

Well, my white-man name is Tucker. I am 1/16 Cherokee. Ready for child to soar like eagle.


Don't take this the wrong way, but I have almost no faith in you.


Jay: Don't most kids drink soda?
Manny: Who knows what they do?

Disabled inter-racial lesbians? With an African-American kicker? I did not see that coming.

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