Schmidt: Honey, what happened to you in your life that made you like this?
Shot girl: I graduated from MIT then I got into a horrible accident where I lost half my brain.
Schmidt: There it is.

• Permalink: Honey, what happened to you in your life that made you like this...
• Added: September 25, 2012

Can you believe the zoo wouldn't let me borrow their white tiger? I mean, the nerve! Philip Seymour Hoffman is going to be sitting at the back of the party thinking, "Look at that guy. He couldn't even get a big cat".

Schmidt

• Permalink: Can you believe the zoo wouldn't let me borrow their white tiger...
• Added: September 25, 2012

Jess: I got laid off.
Winston: What!?
Nick: Are you serious?
Schmidt: Obama...

• Permalink: I got laid off. What!? Are you serious? Obama...
• Added: September 25, 2012

Sure, I could get a girl drunk and topless with only some crushed ice, a hollowed out papaya, and two fingers of rum. But then I grew up, and now I only want to make a drink that a coal miner would want. Straightforward, honest. Something that says, "I work in a hole".

Nick

• Permalink: Sure, I could get a girl drunk and topless with only some crushe...
• Added: September 25, 2012

I panicked and I grabbed the hat. I should have grabbed the yoyo or the slap bracelet and now all I have is this stupid hat.

Jess

• Permalink: I panicked and I grabbed the hat. I should have grabbed the yoyo...
• Added: September 25, 2012

Jess: I thought we talked about you not wearing your shower diaper in the kitchen!
Schmidt: Excuse me? Do you think this has been easy? To wash myself wearing a penis cast all summer?

• Permalink: I thought we talked about you not wearing your shower diaper in ...
• Added: September 25, 2012