That first-class ass is gonna be sitting in Coach tonight.


Winston: Friends don't call friends pathetic.
Nick: But what do friends do when the other friend is taking a shower with a cat?

Nick, you know what a squirrel looks like. You've been outside.


She's on a flip-phone. That means she's either poor, or a time traveler!


Hi there. I'm about to ruin a date and don't want to show up empty-handed.

Nick: What the hell are you doing?
Coach: Making island beats.

Are you a do-er, or a dumpling-er?


The internet said I had to stay off my feet. But then I found this wheelchair in a ditch, so...I'm ready to work out!


Did I leave my Oakland Raiders yarmulke over there?


Peanuts is an acronym! It stands for "Physical Education Activity...Nuts!"


Are you okay to drive? You've got crazy eyes!


Coach: Remember when you sat out of the game because you were sad?
Winston: I was also cold.

New Girl Quotes

Schmidt: Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?
Jess [in a British accent]: Probably the slut butler, right!

I feel like I wanna murder someone and also I want soft pretzels.