I was the ninth guy off the bench for the eighth-best team in Latvia.

Winston

Have I ever made any decisions in my whole life? Are we just living in the mind of a giant?

Winston

Sick people wanted me, dying people wanted to be me--I was the total candy striping package.

Schmidt

Coach: Do people call you 'Marketing'?
Schmidt: No...not yet...

She's looking for career advice, and your job could be done by a vending machine.

Schmidt

When I think of teachers, I think of two things--Jessica Day, and pornography...where one of the characters is...a teacher.

Schmidt

I thought you said you were afraid of camping and nature. You said you were afraid a fly was going to fly in your head and learn all your thoughts.

Jess

So I have good news from the doctor--you don't have rabies. You have giardia, and something called "Legionnaires disease."

Nick

I should have known those beets weren't from nature. Nothing purple comes from nature.

Nick

The eyeball fell off, that's how you know it's good!

Nick

Guys, we've gone soft! With our antibiotics and our sports creams!

Nick

Schmidt: Camping?
Winston: Like we're animals?!

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

Nadia: Jew in the couch!
CeCe: Nadia, American manners!
Nadia: Sorry. Jew person in couch.
Schmidt: She's not wrong.