Jess: Nothin' but net!
Coach: Traditionally, that refers to hitting nothing but the inside of the net.

Winston: So...where do you do the marketing?
Schmidt: Oh, Winston. So naive, so sweet. We do the marketing EVERYWHERE!

Jess: So Nick doesn't have a traditional career.
Nick: Or is it the MOST traditional career? Or am I thinking of prostitution?

I was the ninth guy off the bench for the eighth-best team in Latvia.

Winston

Have I ever made any decisions in my whole life? Are we just living in the mind of a giant?

Winston

Sick people wanted me, dying people wanted to be me--I was the total candy striping package.

Schmidt

Coach: Do people call you 'Marketing'?
Schmidt: No...not yet...

She's looking for career advice, and your job could be done by a vending machine.

Schmidt

When I think of teachers, I think of two things--Jessica Day, and pornography...where one of the characters is...a teacher.

Schmidt

I thought you said you were afraid of camping and nature. You said you were afraid a fly was going to fly in your head and learn all your thoughts.

Jess

So I have good news from the doctor--you don't have rabies. You have giardia, and something called "Legionnaires disease."

Nick

I should have known those beets weren't from nature. Nothing purple comes from nature.

Nick