A lot of people never graduated high school! Einstein! Bill Gates! Anne Frank! I'm gonna take back that last one.

Schmidt

Nick: Do you know any time-consuming, free activities in Griffith Park?
Schmidt: Gross! Suicide?

I'm gonna bake a cake so moist, girls are gonna be like, 'Ewww, why did you say moist? I hate that word?' and I'm gonna be like, 'Taste the cake!' And they're gonna be like, 'Damn, it's moist!'"

Coach

You set fire to soda water. Who does that? How do you even possibly do that? It's not a flammable thing! It's not even...are you a witch?

Mike

Psych! I'm the best at stuff! I don't forget stuff! First place!

Coach

Jess, you win! I'm gonna take you...respectfully!

Nick

I may be dirty, but I play old.

Ed

Do not challenge me to a sex stand-off. I can channel all of my sexual energy into knitting. How do you think I made it through high school?

Jess

Nick: I'm gonna have to turn off the tap!
Jess: What tap?
Nick: The sex tap!
Jess: But I need my vitamin D!

Jess: Nothin' but net!
Coach: Traditionally, that refers to hitting nothing but the inside of the net.

Winston: So...where do you do the marketing?
Schmidt: Oh, Winston. So naive, so sweet. We do the marketing EVERYWHERE!

Jess: So Nick doesn't have a traditional career.
Nick: Or is it the MOST traditional career? Or am I thinking of prostitution?

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

Nick isn't even a man. He's some kind of man-boy, man-child hybrid. The other day, I had to tell him not to pull a dog's tail.

Jess