At least I'm not 23, at least I own a trashcan, at least I can legally rent a car, at least I don't live in a loft with least I live with you guys.


I've never been an inspiration before...I don't like this much responsibility.


Winston: They call me Prank Sinatra!
Nick: No, you call you Prank Sinatra!

If I had a dollar for every person I couldn't hang out with because they hate Schmidt, I'd be rich. Like fill my gas tank up all the way rich.


If you track my trajectory I'm gonna live to a 123 years old. Hello, Robot Sex.


I can't let you fluff me. I can't let you work in emotional porn! You have too much to offer.

Jess [to Nick]

This isn't a sex thing, is it? Because I can't build a dresser and pleasure a woman at the same time. I'm not God.


Nick: You can't separate your feelings from sex? So what? You're a girl!
Jess: I deserve to have a shorty on the side!

Winston, you've been staring at this girl for 5 minutes. Please tell me you're checking her out, otherwise you're a serial killer, which would explain a lot.


Jess: I don't want to kiss and tell, but I ruined my dresser during intercourse. Will you go to Ikea with me?
Nick: Yeah, sure. I'm not doing anything today.

Winston: You, my friend, have become her fluffer.
Nick: Like in porn?
Winston: Her emotional fluffer!

If we make love later, and I tell you to pretend that I'm a scary ghost, are you gonna be weirded out by that?


New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.


Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft. It's the wood of poor people and outhouses.