Sam: Hi - are you Katie? I'm Sam from CupidMatch.
Jess: And I'm the girl from my dreams of you.

Winston, your sister got so hot! I'm gonna have to Shaq attack her! May I have your blessing? Because I'm gonna be like dribbling up the court, illegal sexual foul - boom! Illegal use of hands - boom!

Schmidt

Schmidt: Honey, what happened to you in your life that made you like this?
Shot girl: I graduated from MIT then I got into a horrible accident where I lost half my brain.
Schmidt: There it is.

Can you believe the zoo wouldn't let me borrow their white tiger? I mean, the nerve! Philip Seymour Hoffman is going to be sitting at the back of the party thinking, "Look at that guy. He couldn't even get a big cat".

Schmidt

Jess: I got laid off.
Winston: What!?
Nick: Are you serious?
Schmidt: Obama...

Sure, I could get a girl drunk and topless with only some crushed ice, a hollowed out papaya, and two fingers of rum. But then I grew up, and now I only want to make a drink that a coal miner would want. Straightforward, honest. Something that says, "I work in a hole".

Nick

I panicked and I grabbed the hat. I should have grabbed the yoyo or the slap bracelet and now all I have is this stupid hat.

Jess

Jess: I thought we talked about you not wearing your shower diaper in the kitchen!
Schmidt: Excuse me? Do you think this has been easy? To wash myself wearing a penis cast all summer?

I'm worried about Schmidt, he's a Jew in the desert I don't want him to wander.

Winston

When Nick leaves, I'm gonna call a plumber and just throw money at him while he works.

Schmidt

How's the new apartment? Does it smell like new paint and compromise?

Jess [to Nick]

Schmidt: I get that. Your business is selling sex. You're a sex worker.
CeCe: You're an idiot.

New Girl Quotes

A lot of people never graduated high school! Einstein! Bill Gates! Anne Frank! I'm gonna take back that last one.

Schmidt

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick