I'm the only guy in the office, of course I'm going to dress up like Santa. I like it. I get all this dirt on my coworkers. They get drunk, and they whisper what they want for Christmas in my ear, and I use that information to subtly undermine them and control them for the rest of the year.

Schmidt

Jess: I messed up. He ran away, he got scared.
Winston: Why would he get scared?
Jess: Because I choked him. I lightly choked him.

Nick: I'm fantastic at sex!
Winston: You're scared to get a haircut!
Nick: Yea, I don't like getting a haircut, it's too intimate. What does that have to do with sex?

Nick: I was sixteen! I have gotten a lot better!
Schmidt: You haven't gotten that much better. I used to listen to you and Caroline all the time when we were in college. It was like listening to a rescue crew trying to communicate with a stranded minor. "Are you ok? Yea. Are you ok? Yea".

Jess: Do you think Paul watches stuff like that?
Nick: Yep
Schmidt: All the time
Winston: He's probably watching it right now.

I saw your registry. I'm gonna get you one of those portable baby pumps. You're just out there, in everyday life. But you're pumping yourself at the same time, just milking away.

Schmidt

Are you like a Bond villain? You just told me your whole plan.

Schmidt

So head's up, Paul's coming tonight. And I just wanted to tell you that I'm gonna tap him like a maple tree. I'm gonna search him for some syrups. I'm gonna be having sex with him.

Jess

Nick: I'm not going to a black barber shop, Winston. I've seen the movies. I know how fast they talk. I don't need to seem any less cool than I already do.
Schmidt: Wanna go to my salon?

Oh yea, it's...your baby. It's cute. Yea, your baby's cute.

Nick

Hey tiger, you're having sex tonight. Don't give me that look, just do it!

Jess

It is not that hard. It is an instrument that a cat wears around its neck!

Winston

New Girl Quotes

Paul Ryan 2020.

Schmidt

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick