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New-girl

Schmidt [to Cece, in a bikini]: Hey, you look awesome.
Cece: It's a Before-and-After for a Bolivian diet pill.
Schmidt: Elgatrax? Yeah, I've taken that.

Winston: Hey, Schmidt, look - it's a menorah for you!
Schmidt: Ohhhh, a menorah... [in a gangsta tone] Judaism, son.

Schmidt: It'll be a good opportunity for you to some networking, help with the job search. I'm telling you, everybody's hittin' the 'nog, having a good time, letting loose, you swoop in there, and then, boom! New job, man. That's how things work. You know, Benjamins in your pocket, la pension, the four-to-the-O-to-the-one-to-the-K!
Winston: You're making me want to stay broke.

Winston, you better watch it, man, because I will take you down. I had figure skating lessons until I was 13, and then my mom sobered up and realized I was a boy. Let's do this!

Schmidt

I'm the only guy in the office, of course I'm going to dress up like Santa. I like it. I get all this dirt on my coworkers. They get drunk, and they whisper what they want for Christmas in my ear, and I use that information to subtly undermine them and control them for the rest of the year.

Schmidt

Jess: I messed up. He ran away, he got scared.
Winston: Why would he get scared?
Jess: Because I choked him. I lightly choked him.

Nick: I'm fantastic at sex!
Winston: You're scared to get a haircut!
Nick: Yea, I don't like getting a haircut, it's too intimate. What does that have to do with sex?

Nick: I was sixteen! I have gotten a lot better!
Schmidt: You haven't gotten that much better. I used to listen to you and Caroline all the time when we were in college. It was like listening to a rescue crew trying to communicate with a stranded minor. "Are you ok? Yea. Are you ok? Yea".

Jess: Do you think Paul watches stuff like that?
Nick: Yep
Schmidt: All the time
Winston: He's probably watching it right now.

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