Jess: Where are your nipples, man?
Schmidt: I'll never tell!

I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Alyssa Milano's phone number just by randomly choosing numbers.

Schmidt

Please take that off, you look like a homeless pencil.

Schmidt

Schmidt: Does it say "share stuff" in the Constitution of America? No, it does not. Nicholas, what does it say?
Nick: Don't share stuff.

Cece: I thought I threw that thing out the window.
Schmidt: That only made it stronger.

You can't outrun the Jewish!

Schmidt

Schmidt: A tuxedo is different from a suit.
Nick: It is??!!

Nick: Schmidt, I have to ask you a favor. It's about my clothes.
Schmidt: Burn them! Burn them all!

I'm going on a date with Elizabeth tonight. I haven't had sex with her since I was fat and accessing my penis was like getting a remote control out of the couch.

Schmidt

Shivrang's Aunt: Who is this?
Schmidt: I'm Gerard Depardieu. Who do you think I am, lady? I'm Schmidt.

She's older--MUCH older--DEEPLY Korean.

Schmidt

Schmidt: No sig oths.
Cece: Just say "significant others."
Schmidt: Maybe you have that kind of time, but I'm on a tight sched.

New Girl Quotes

Destiny might be a lady, but victory has a penis.

Schmidt

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick