Schmidt: No sig oths.
Cece: Just say "significant others."
Schmidt: Maybe you have that kind of time, but I'm on a tight sched.

There are plenty of things to be down about--the deficit, air pollution in China, "The Hobbit" wasn't very good...

Schmidt

It's only romantic because it's a wedding. I'd be just as happy to sabotage, I don't know, let's say, her tax audit.

Schmidt

Don't laugh when they call him "responsible," they don't know why it's hilarious.

Schmidt

My face touched the mustache of a corpse today, Bobby. I'm not afraid of you.

Schmidt

Schmidt: Here are some things you want to hide about yourself on tonight's date--you're cheap, you're a heavy drinker, you're broke, you have a problem with anger.
Winston: Your car is horrible.

Puzzle me this then, Winston-- how do you live with yourself?

Schmidt

Maybe none of us should go to this funeral. The early buzz on this thing is it's gonna be a real drag.

Schmidt

I wouldn't even begin to know how to steal a swag.

Schmidt

Elizabeth: There are so many cool traditions at this thing! The groom comes in on a white horse!
Schmidt: So, basically, they're just copying my bar mitzvah.

Cease lovemaking! All lovemaking must cease!

Schmidt

I just got a treat, too. It's not candy. I'm not a dumb little baby like you.

Schmidt

New Girl Quotes

Don't ask about the duffle bag, bitch!

Edgar's mom

Schmidt [to Cece, in a bikini]: Hey, you look awesome.
Cece: It's a Before-and-After for a Bolivian diet pill.
Schmidt: Elgatrax? Yeah, I've taken that.