There are plenty of things to be down about--the deficit, air pollution in China, "The Hobbit" wasn't very good...

Schmidt

It's only romantic because it's a wedding. I'd be just as happy to sabotage, I don't know, let's say, her tax audit.

Schmidt

Don't laugh when they call him "responsible," they don't know why it's hilarious.

Schmidt

My face touched the mustache of a corpse today, Bobby. I'm not afraid of you.

Schmidt

Puzzle me this then, Winston-- how do you live with yourself?

Schmidt

Maybe none of us should go to this funeral. The early buzz on this thing is it's gonna be a real drag.

Schmidt

Schmidt: Here are some things you want to hide about yourself on tonight's date--you're cheap, you're a heavy drinker, you're broke, you have a problem with anger.
Winston: Your car is horrible.

I wouldn't even begin to know how to steal a swag.

Schmidt

Elizabeth: There are so many cool traditions at this thing! The groom comes in on a white horse!
Schmidt: So, basically, they're just copying my bar mitzvah.

Human dental dam!

Schmidt

Cease lovemaking! All lovemaking must cease!

Schmidt

I just got a treat, too. It's not candy. I'm not a dumb little baby like you.

Schmidt

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

A lot of people never graduated high school! Einstein! Bill Gates! Anne Frank! I'm gonna take back that last one.

Schmidt