Jess: Do you want to know what I'm wearing under this shirt?
Nick: Yeah, sure.
Jess: An invisible shirt.

• Permalink: Do you want to know what I'm wearing under this shirt? Yeah, s...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

If somebody walked in here and saw us, they'd be like, "Look at these two totally normal roommates. I bet they never sucked face." But we did. You sucked my face.

Jess

• Permalink: If somebody walked in here and saw us, they'd be like, Look at t...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

You question my pajamas? You make me question our entire friendship!

Jess

• Permalink: You question my pajamas? You make me question our entire friends...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jess: The only anti-depressant you need is in my pants!
Guy: It's really a medical issue.

• Permalink: The only anti-depressant you need is in my pants! It's really ...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Why are you wearing a suit? Did you just apply for a loan or somethng?

Jess

• Permalink: Why are you wearing a suit? Did you just apply for a loan or som...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Life's messy. It kicks you in the ass. That's right, I said ass.

Jess

• Permalink: Life's messy. It kicks you in the ass. That's right, I said ass.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jess: Drinking to be cool, Nick? That's not a real thing.
Nick: That's the only thing in the world I know to be true.

• Permalink: Drinking to be cool, Nick? That's not a real thing. That's the...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jess: I have to show Nick...something in the bathroom.
Nick: It's tiles...I'm so bad at lying! It's for sex!

• Permalink: I have to show Nick...something in the bathroom. It's tiles......
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

I am throwing Cece's surprise bachelorette party here tonight, and the only males invited are strippers, so oil up or get out, guys.

Jess

• Permalink: I am throwing Cece's surprise bachelorette party here tonight, a...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

I don't think the badger's actually rabid, I think he's just kind of a dick.

Jess

• Permalink: I don't think the badger's actually rabid, I think he's just kin...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Nick isn't even a man. He's some kind of man-boy, man-child hybrid. The other day, I had to tell him not to pull a dog's tail.

Jess

• Permalink: Nick isn't even a man. He's some kind of man-boy, man-child hybrid. The other day, I had to...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Nick doesn't have a life plan. He doesn't have a day plan. I once found a note that he wrote to himself that said, "Put on pants."

Jess

• Permalink: Nick doesn't have a life plan. He doesn't have a day plan. I once found a note that he wrote...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0