OK, so let's, um, talk about your opening remarks. Do you want me to write you a rap? I'll write you a rap. No, you know what? You'll never be able to pull it off. You're too white. How about a show tune or something?


Ann: I thought you might like a fresh set of pillows.
April: Are you trying to smother me? Help! The slutty nurse is trying to smother me to death with a pillow!
Ann: OK, nevermind.
April: Stay back, slut.

See, I never promise Leslie anything. That way I never disappoint her. I try to be considerate.


Look, the worst thing you can do with an important presentation like this is over prepare. So, I think it's best if I go to the spa.


It's not that I don't trust Ben. It's that I don't have faith in Ben. And also I'm starting to forget who Ben is.


Leslie: If I was sick, could I do this?
Ann: What are you doing?
Leslie: Cartwheels. Am I not doing them?
Ann: No.

Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have network connectivity problems.


Ann's my doctor. And she's the most beautiful nurse in the world.


I took a Claritin and I threw that up. So I took another one. I threw that up. And then I took a third and it stayed down. I'm getting better.


Andy: Do I have to tuck my shirt in? Because, honestly, that's kind of a dealbreaker.
Ron: Let it fly.

I need to find someone to fill in for April. Now I know I'm not going to find someone who's both aggressively mean and apathetic. April really is the whole package.


Ann: How was your run?
Chris: Ended with a five-and-a-half-minute mile. My personal low. I think the pavement in this town is soft.

Parks and Recreation Season 3 Episode 2 Quotes

J.J.: Sure, anything for my favorite customer.
Leslie: I bet you say that to all the girls.
J.J.: Oh no, no. Actually you are my favorite. You've spent over a thousand dollars last year on waffles alone.

April: Then I want a janitor. They can do what you do, right?
Ann: Yep, nurses and janitors are totally interchangeable.
April: Except no one dresses up like a janitor when they want to be slutty.