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Ann: What are you up to?
Leslie: Just looking up scandalous information about my co-workers for a game we're playing.
Ann: My taxes pay your salary right?
Leslie: Yeah?
Ann: Cool.

Leslie: What if he shows up with another woman? What if one of my sleeves catches on fire and it spreads rapidly. What if instead of tic tacs I accidentally pop a couple of Ambien and I have to keep punching my leg to stay awake?
Ann: Those are all insane hypotheticals and I promise you they won't happen.
Leslie: They have happened. All of these have happened to me. Uh, no, there's more. One time I accidentally drank an entire bottle of vinegar. I thought it was terrible wine. Once I went out with a guy who wore 3-D glasses the entire evening. Oh, one time I rode in a sidecar on a guy's motorcycle, and the sidecar detached and went down a flight of stairs. Another time I went to a really boring movie with a guy and while I was alseep he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literaly woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out a couple times after that but then he got weird.

Ann: You're 20 minutes late. I almost left.
Leslie: Well, I was, dropping my niece off.
Ann: What's your niece's name?
Leslie: Torple. What? I don't know. That's not a name. I don't have a niece. My niece's name is Stephanie?

Leslie: Let's begin our conversation.
Ann: What's on the note cards?
Leslie: They're possible topics of conversation.
Ann: Whales. Parades. Electricity. And the rest are blank.
Leslie: Yeah, well I couldn't think of anything else.

Jerry: Hey, Mark. A little birdie told me that you have an unpaid parking ticket.
Mark: Well that's funny because a little birdie told me that your adoptive mother was arrested for marijuana possession.
Jerry: What?
Mark: You didn't know that, huh?
Jerry: I didn't know I was adopted.

I think it's a real shame when people focus on the taudry details of a scandal. Personally, all I care about is Councilman Dexhart's policies; not whether he was high on nitrous and cocaine during the cave sex...which, by the way, I heard he was.

Leslie

I love games that turn people against each other.

April

I've established a scientifically perfect, ten-point scale of human beauty. Wendy is a 7.4, which is way too high for Tom, who is a 3.8. 10 is tennis legend Steffi Graf.

Ron

Leslie: Do you have like a first-date outfit I could borrow? Like, I don't know, a pair of cargo pants?
Ann: Yeah I wouldn't go with the cargo pant.
Leslie: What about like a sexy hat?
Ann: I don't even know what that is.
Leslie: Helping already.

Donna: You'll never guess what I found on Jerry's Facebook.
April: A friend? Buuurn.

Mark: Why does anyone want to run for public office, you're just asking to have your entire life exposed.
Tom: Not if you're squeaky clean like me.
Mark: You're married and you hit on women constantly.
Tom: Yeah but never sealed the deal. Just window shopping. You can fly to Brazil, just never enter the cave. Am I right? Up top!

Tom: I think cave sex is insane.
Leslie: Why?
Tom: Because of the echoes and the humidity.

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 13 in total

Parks and Recreation Season 2 Episode 4 Quotes

Tom: I think cave sex is insane.
Leslie: Why?
Tom: Because of the echoes and the humidity.

And to my wife, I apologize. All I can say is, I wasn't just having sex. I was making love... to a beautiful woman. And her boyfriend. And a third person whose name I never learned. Furthermore, it was wrong of me to say I was building houses for the underprivileged when I was actually having four-way sex in a cave in Brazil.

Bill Dexhart
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