Royal Pains

Royal Pains Season 1 Quotes

Season 1 Episode 12: "Wonderland"

Amy: Do you have any idea what it's like to be given way more responsibility than you ever asked for? Way more than you ever deserved?
Hank: When I was 12, my mom got sick. My dad, he lost all our money in the stock market, couldn't afford to take care of her. So he gave up, on her, on us and he left. And then our mom died. I know exactly what it's like. Being the older sibling one day and then feeling like a parent the next. You do anything you can to protect the only thing you have left.
 • Rating: Unrated

(at Divya's engagement party)
Divya: (to Hank and Evan) Anyway, I am so glad that you both came...'cause I may need you to stand by with a getaway vehicle.
 • Rating: Unrated

(after Evan gets bitten by a bat)
Evan: So do you think I'm gonna turn into, like, a, an old school Bela Lugosi type or maybe, like, a hip, sexy Twilight vampire with like the (puckers lips and makes kissy face) and, like, the cool hair or what?
 • Rating: Unrated

Evan: If I got bit by a bat, what's gonna happen to me?
Hank: All right. Worst case scenario, you die. Best case scenario, you become immortal.
 • Rating: Unrated

Zoey: Remember when I said I was too afraid to go see a doctor?
Hank: Yeah.
Zoey: If I'd known there was a doctor out there like you, I might've found the courage.
 • Rating: Unrated

Hank: Just know that Evan and I are here to stay, and there's always, always a place for you here with Hankmed, no matter what.
Divya: Well, I appreciate that. And I'll let you know what my future holds, as soon as my parents decide it for me.
Evan: Well, maybe negotiations will still fall apart last minute. Maybe your dad'll raise the dowry to five goats and a donkey and Raj'll call it a deal-breaker.
Divya: Hmm. Maybe you're the donkey.
 • Rating: Unrated

Evan: We're broke.
Hank: What do you mean broke?
Evan: I mean depleted, destitute, insolvent.
Hank: I was asking for an explanation, not a thesaurus.
 • Rating: Unrated

Zoey: You never assumed I was crazy. Gave me the benefit of the doubt. Most people wouldn't have, Hank.
Hank: Yeah, well, more people should be like us. And less people should be like most people.
 • Rating: Unrated

Divya: You want to do the spinal tap tonight?
Hank: And that's not all I want to do. There may be only one way to get to the bottom of this immediately.
(Divya and Evan at the same time)
Divya: MRI?
Evan: Exorcism?
 • Rating: Unrated

Evan: So that's a long island iced tea.
Amy: House specialty. I make them every day for family cocktail hour.
Evan: Really?
Zoey: Apparently, spirits calm the spirits.
 • Rating: Unrated

Amy: Someone close to you. Someone who looks like you. Someone with a letter 'R.'
Hank: My brother. Evan R. Lawson?
Amy: He's getting himself into trouble.
Hank: Sorry, Amy, you don't need a gift to sense that one.
 • Rating: Unrated

Zoey: My sister's a little off-center sometimes.
Hank: Oh, I know how you feel. My brother couldn't find the center with a GPS Device.
 • Rating: Unrated

Evan: Why don't you just summon the apparitions?
Divya: Okay, why are you asking me?
Evan: Because you're Indian. Maybe some of the rituals translate, right?
Divya: Wait a second. You think that Hinduism and Wicca are overlapping ideologies?
Evan: I'm just thinkin' outside the box.
Divya: You're a bloody neanderthal.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 11: "Nobody's Perfect"

Divya: Hank, this is Kylie.
Kylie: I'm the disgruntled mistress.
Hank: Hello. Nice to meet you.
Kylie: It's 'cause I didn't go to college and I hate retail.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Hank about to meet the people who fired him)
Jill: Just talk to them human being to human being.
Hank: I would, I'm just not sure they are human beings.
 • Rating: Unrated

Divya: (to Evan) You saw those zeros on that check and lost all ability to think.
Captain Brian: In his defense, it was a lot of zeros.
 • Rating: Unrated

Evan: Gary Pastotnik? That guy is like Satan, only more evil.
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Season 1 Episode 10: "Am I Blue?"

(after Hank convinced Marshall Bryant to get clean from alcohol and drugs)
Marshall: Well, Hank deserves credit for leading me to water.
Hank: Hey, I can lead the horse, but I can't make him drink... or not drink. You know what I'm saying.
 • Rating: Unrated

Evan: what are you doing tomorrow?
Anna: Uh, it's my first day off. Nothing. I'm sleeping.
Evan: Do it with me. The-- the nothing part. Obviously not-- not the sleeping part.
 • Rating: Unrated

Divya: He's you. Uninterested in anything beneath a woman's surface.
Evan: I try to see beneath their surface. That's why I stare so hard.
 • Rating: Unrated

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