Scrubs

Scrubs "My Boss' Free Haircut" Quotes

Nell: Why am I paying you to tell me things I've already figured out on my own?
Dr. Kelso: Maybe because I graduated first in my class at Stanford in 1972?
Nell: [reads her cell phone display] You graduated twelfth in your class in 1968. [shows him the display]
Laverne: She googled your ass.
Dr. Kelso: Laverne, I am not interested in your street lingo. What I am interested in is where she found that magic phone that keeps making me look like an idiot!
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.'s Narration: You never know who you're gonna find in the cafeteria at five am. It could be the husband who asked his wife after thirty-six hours of labor if the screaming was really necessary. Or the intern whose been on call so many nights in a row she's actually hallucinating...
Intern: Hi I'd like two tickets to Million Dollar Baby.
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.: Why can't Carla just let this go?
Elliot: Wouldn't you be mad if you caught your husband talking to his ex-girlfriend?
J.D.: Yeah, but... mostly because I had a husband.
 • Rating: Unrated

Turk: I brought ya some things: your slippers and, uh, you remember that note you put on the toilet to remind me to put the seat down? Looking at it was making me sad.
Carla: I wrote this the first time I forgot to look down and fractured my tailbone.
Turk: You were in a lot of pain!
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.: Turk! You're not gonna believe this, but I don't know a lot about women. No... it's true!
 • Rating: Unrated

Turk: I can't go to a carnival. It reminds me of Carla!
J.D.: Why?
Turk: Dude! "Carnival"! Remove the "niv" and switch the "l" and the "a" and you got "Carla"!
 • Rating: Unrated

Carla: Thank you SO much for letting me stay here, Elliot.
Elliot: Please! And I still have only one rule: I cannot talk or be talked to while I'm on the toilet and also cannot talk or be talked to BY someone who's on the toilet.
Carla: You told me yesterday, Elliot. I get it.
Elliot: Hmmm, you say you get it and still managed to knock this morning and ask if I wanted coffee.
Carla: Oh I just thought-
Elliot: Uh bup bup bup bup buh! Pretend that never happened or I won't poo again for two months.
 • Rating: Unrated

Carla: God! This sucks! I hate March! You realize two years ago this Sunday my Mom died?
Elliot: Plus, last month, you got that hideous hair cut! Remember?
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.'s Narration: You see a lot of sad things in a hospital, but nothings quite as sad as a dermatologist that's just been paged milking it for all it's worth.
Dermatologist: Alright everybody! Watch your backs! Skin doctor coming through! I gotta get somewhere-STAT!
 • Rating: Unrated

Mr. Warner: I just want to look good.
Dr. Cox: You, my friend, look so damn leathery I'm honestly tempted to wrap ya around a baseball, cinch ya up with a belt, and stick ya under my mattress so that you're good and broken in for the big game on Sunday. Buut, since I'm here to heal not judge, I'm gonna go ahead and write you a couple of prescriptions. You'll find that this first one is for an extra large mallet to help ya pound some sense into yourself. The second one is for a big floppy hat that you're now to wear every single time ya leave the house. Have a great day, ya look like a purse!
 • Rating: Unrated

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