Scrubs Season 5 Episode 3: "My Day at the Races" Quotes
J.D.'s narration: Since I was currently homeless, Turk and Carla were letting me crash here as long as I needed.
Carla: J.D., you have to get out. This place is tiny! And I'm sick of seeing your man-panties hangin' all over the bathroom.
J.D.: They're called boxers, Carla.
Carla: They're satin, J.D.?
J.D.: With a breathable cotton crotch panel!
Elliot: We have a very complicated past.
J.D.: Yeah, I hurt her, and I'm not proud.
J.D.'s narration: I'm a little proud.
Carla: If money is so tight, why not have Jake move in with you?
Jordan: Who's Jake?
Dr. Cox: Jordan! ...No!
Elliot: He's this guy that I've been going out with for a while, but we're not ready to move in. He's a little closed-off, you know?
Jordan: Uh, sweetie, are you aware of who I live with?
Turk: Okay... I'm gonna go with Dr. Cox on this one.
Dr. Cox: That's a rookie move, and you hate to see it. You always side with the wife - even if she's got a full-blown case of the crazies.
See, there are numerous skilled surgeons here at Sacred Fart - (laughs) did you see the sign? Though there will be no vandalism here, people!... It was classic!
Dr. Kelso
Elliot: Okay! How about opening up sexually? What's your wildest fantasy?
Jake: Yeah... it's not happening.
Elliot: Come on! Sometimes in bed, I feel like I'm the only one screamin'!
Jake: Elliot, you're quiet as a mouse - all the screaming is in your head.
Elliot: Yeah, but in there, it's crazy...
Elliot: Why don't you just try a higher gear?
J.D.: It's like pedaling in hummus!
Dr. Cox: There's a, uh, triathlon tomorrow. Thing One and Thing Two have been training vigorously for it.
Doug: We're working on our drafting technique!
Dr. Cox: If your goal is to repel all women on the planet, then it's definitely working.
So first, my fellowship gets canceled because some jackass cures the disease, and now the only job I can get is working at this crappy free clinic for eight bucks an hour. No one's life could be worse than mine!
Elliot
(Elliot is revealed to be talking to a double amputee.)
J.D.: Why is everybody wearing wetsuits?
Doug: This water's like forty-nine degrees, dumb-dumb!
Turk: This is great. I'm being assisted by a magician.
Carla: The only way you're gonna get through this is if you believe it's gonna work.
Turk: Uh-huh.
(He pinches her on the arm.)
Carla: OW!
Turk: That was just a fingernail, honey! How would you like it if I cut out your appendix?!
Carla: Let's forget for one second that hypnosis is used to lower bleeding, aid recovery, or help patients deal with pain. You are married now. So start believing what I tell you to believe! And DON'T PINCH ME!
Elliot: J.D., what you said before...I knew you were right. Anyway, I'm sorry I got mad. You were wrong about one thing, though - we are moving forward.
J.D.: Elliot, I'm thirty years old; I'm single, I'm homeless, and I'm pretty sure I just soiled myself.
