Scrubs

Scrubs Season 2 Quotes

Season 2 Episode 22: "My Dream Job"

Dr. Cox: Good morning angels. What'd you have? One-too-many daiquiris last night?
J.D.: Spence, this is Doctor Cox and...
Jordan: Don't bother, don't care.
Spencer: Oh oh yeah, right he's the scary man you told me about last night. Hey, congratulations.
Dr. Cox: For what, jackass?
Spencer: You just had a baby.
J.D.: No, no, no, she just had a baby.
Spencer: Yeah but you said it was his. And you said something else...
Turk: That he didn't know it yet.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Dr. Cox: Hey Betty, hey Wilma. What the hell, you're only forty minutes late. Do I, do I smell beer?
J.D.: Oh we, we ahh had a few.
Dr. Cox: Newsflash. You can't drink and then come to work. You're not airline pilots.
J.D.: Look Doctor Cox...
Dr. Cox: No you look! If someone had asked me, just this morning is there anyway that I could have less respect for you two geniuses I would have said no, no that's not possibile. But low-and-behold you went and pulled it off. Congratulations. The only problem is I'm fresh outta blue ribbons so instead you're gonna have to settle for a lifetime supply of my foot up your ass. Now go home, you're not fit to work tonight.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Carla: Yeah, I don't know about that, Perry. Sounds to me like she's trying to protect your relationship.
Elliot: Yeah, I mean, some people's mothers say the only way to get a guy to marry you is by using pregnancy as a trap.
Dr. Cox: What!?
Elliot: Uh, stupid mothers who got even meaner when they stopped drinking...
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.: Look, I'm sorry I was such a jerk yesterday, okay? I mean, come on, look at this floor! You could practically eat off of it!
Janitor: Would you?
J.D.: Would I what?
Janitor: Would you eat off the floor?
J.D.'s Narration: As I bent down to eat that peppered floor turkey, unaware that the cleanser the Janitor uses is an extremely potent diuretic, I realized something... the reason we're doctors is because we have an innate desire to help people.
Janitor: That was disgusting.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Cox: No, I was scared. In fact, I was freaking out all day, because I'm quite confident that I'm gonna be an absolutely horrible father.
J.D.: You? Come on! You're gonna be a very scary fath-I mean a great... you're gonna be a great father. Like last night, when you totally kicked our asses 'cause we deserved it? And do you remember that time you told me I wasn't the worst resident that ever lived?
Dr. Cox: You mean like eight seconds ago?
J.D.: You have no idea how much that meant to me.
Dr. Cox: I said I think you may not be the worst resident ever, but I can't be sure of stuff like that. Come on, I haven't done the appropriate leg work!
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.: Uh, look, Mr. Graff, because it's diabetes-related, the pain in your foot isn't responding to pain-killers. But, I'd like to try an anti-seizure medication before we even consider amputation.
Mr. Graff: Oh, good. 'Cause I have an audition for "Stomp!" tomorrow. Look, just cut the damn thing off, will ya?
 • Rating: Unrated

Spence: Jill Anderson.
Turk: Yes.
Spence: Yes.
J.D.: No.
Turk: Monica Meyer.
Spence: Yeah.
Turk: Yes.
J.D.: You know, guys, I don't think it's really appropriate for us to be rehashing our college sexual conquests with Carla in the other room-
Turk: Leslie Stevens!
J.D.: YES! On a pile of coats with hundreds of people around! What a whore!
Carla: Who else? Who else did you bang?!
J.D.: Carla... college wasn't all sex and coats.
 • Rating: Unrated

Spence: Hey, so, uh, when do people get to yell, like, "stat!" and stuff?
Carla: Kinda never.
 • Rating: Unrated

Carla: No you didn't!
Elliot: I did! And now every time I turn around, Dr. Kelso's riding me.
Todd: I've got next! Wassaaaap!... No one? Self five! For the big dog!
 • Rating: Unrated

Carla: Look, Elliot, I've seen this before. Kelso starts to worry he's not scary anymore, so he picks somebody to be his bitch. Who he picks is totally random. You know, unless you... throw a needle in his face.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jordan: Okay, I didn't tell you that the kid was yours and you're upset - I get it! But you seem to be making a really big deal out of this. Is there something else that's bothering you?
Dr. Cox: It's mostly just the kid thing.
Jordan: I told you, I didn't want you to feel pressured to be with me. I didn't want you to feel manipulated.
 • Rating: Unrated

Turk: Hey, so I saved up, like, five hundred bucks? Where would you put that if you were me?
Spence: I dunno, a wallet? A money-clip?
 • Rating: Unrated

Elliot: I know what you're doing, sir - the whole "keep us scared" thing. Grrrrrr! Heh! I am okay with it.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, even if you hadn't just missed blinding me earlier, I still would've picked you to crap on. See, you're easily startled, you're constantly overwhelmed, and while you work as hard as anyone here, you're still struggling to break into the middle of the pack! I chose you because I am hoping that you will ask yourself - really ask yourself - if there isn't some other profession you might be better suited for. In the meantime, be a doll a re-suture that wound.
Ted: Wanna get a beer later?
 • Rating: Unrated

Spence: Nothing like drinking cold beers in a jacuzzi, am I right, Ed?
Ed: Hell, some days I just sit out here for hours on end, downing cold one after cold one.
J.D.: What do you do when you have to pee?
Ed: So you boys are doctors, huh?
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.: Look Doctor Cox...
Dr. Cox: No you look! If someone had asked me, just this morning is there anyway that I could have less respect for you two geniuses I would have said no, no that's not possibile. But low-and-behold you went and pulled it off. Congratulations. The only problem is I'm fresh outta blue ribbons so instead you're gonna have to settle for a lifetime supply of my foot up your ass. Now go home, you're not fit to work tonight.
Jordan: Great speech. You guys are in trouble!
 • Rating: Unrated

Janitor: Hey, Foodstamps! Little anonymous donation from a guy who makes a little more scratch than you.
J.D.: You know what? At least what I do matters! Okay? You're cleaning the same spot you were this morning, and the smart money says you'll be cleaning it again tomorrow. So why don't I just come by then, and you can tell me how what you do day after day makes even the slightest bit of difference in this world.
Janitor: Too mean!
 • Rating: Unrated

Elliot: Oh. Dr. Kelso's been torturing me lately, and I really thought that I could handle it. I mean, after all, I've come a long way... you know. For instance, I used to be afraid of you, and now I can talk to you about anything - like how your hair has been looking particularly springy lately. And not like the season, but more like the inside of a mattress. You know what I mean?
Dr. Cox: I don't have any clue what you mean!
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.: Typical Spence. You just blow into town and get us in a bunch of trouble.
Spence: What, I made you guys go out tonight? Hey, I have a venture capital presentation Thursday. Ask me if I want to go out drinking Wednesday night.
J.D. and Turk: You wanna go-
Spence: Sorry, sorry, I can't. I have a presentation. You see, the truth is you guys have been complaining about work since the second I got here, just dying for an excuse to blow it off. So maybe you should stop being all mad at me when really you're just pissed 'cause you hate your jobs.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: Dr. Reid, I'm afraid that nothing you've described constitutes harassment.
Dr. Kelso: Swing and a miss, eh, Dr. Reid! Well, the next time you decide to make a stink over nothing, maybe you should see a lawyer who didn't need five tries to pass the bar exam!
Ted: I have stress-induced dyslexia, and you know that, Dr... Oslek.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Cox: Why are you doing this?
Jordan: I'll tell you why I'm doing this, Perry. Because we've been dancing the same annoying dance for years now! One of us gets angry and walks away, and the other person's too stubborn to go after them. Before you know it, you're sleeping with some toothpick-size pharmaceutical rep, and I'm trying to convince my mom that the thing in my suitcase is a giant electric melon-baller! Well guess what? Things are different now - we have a kid together. I'm not going home until you promise that you're coming home with me.
Dr. Cox: You go home. I'll meet you there later.
Jordan: Bring dinner.
 • Rating: Unrated

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