I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate. I've got it all!

George

I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.

George

That's it! Flaming globes of Sigmund! Flaming globes of Sigmund! That's my note! That's what I thought was so funny? That's not funny. There's nothing funny about that.

Jerry

Helene: It was sad for a Three Stooges picture, what with the dead baby and the Stooges being executed and all.
Kramer: Yeah, well that was an unusual choice for the Stooges.

George: God would never let me be successful; he'd kill me first. He'd never let me be happy.
Therapist: I thought you didn't believe in God?
George: I do for the bad things.

(to George) You know, you really need some help. But a regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like, Vienna, or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the university level. Like where Freud studied, and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No, you need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock, thinking about you, having conferences, observing you. Like the way they did with the Elephant Man.

Jerry

I can't carry a pen, I'm afraid I'll puncture my scrotum.

George

Listen to the bell, Grossbard...it tolls for thee.

Kramer

(to George) That's what you had to tell me? Your father wears sneakers in the pool?

Carol

I had a leather jacket that got ruined. Now, why does moisture ruin leather? I don't get this. Aren't cows outside most of the time? I don't understand it. When it's raining do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in, we're all wearing leather. Open the door! We're gonna ruin the whole outfit here!" "Is it suede?" "I am suede, the whole thing is suede, I can't have this cleaned. It's all I got!"

Jerry

Cable boy. Cable boy. What have you done to my little cable boy?

Kramer

George: There's just no justice. This experience has changed me! It's made me more cynical, more bitter, more jaded!
Jerry: Really?
George: Sure, why not

Seinfeld Quotes

I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate. I've got it all!

George

Elaine: (referring to Dr. Reston) He's like a Svenjolly.
Jerry: Svengali.
Elaine: What did I say?
Jerry: Svenjolly.
Elaine: Svenjolly? I did not say Svenjolly.
Jerry: George?
George: Svenjolly. (licking some peanut butter off his finger)
Elaine: I don't see how I could've said Svenjolly.
Jerry: Well, maybe he's got, like, a cheerful mental hold on you.