I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate. I've got it all!


I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.


That's it! Flaming globes of Sigmund! Flaming globes of Sigmund! That's my note! That's what I thought was so funny? That's not funny. There's nothing funny about that.


Helene: It was sad for a Three Stooges picture, what with the dead baby and the Stooges being executed and all.
Kramer: Yeah, well that was an unusual choice for the Stooges.

George: God would never let me be successful; he'd kill me first. He'd never let me be happy.
Therapist: I thought you didn't believe in God?
George: I do for the bad things.

Just make love to that wall pervert.


George: There's just no justice. This experience has changed me! It's made me more cynical, more bitter, more jaded!
Jerry: Really?
George: Sure, why not

(to George) That's what you had to tell me? Your father wears sneakers in the pool?


The apartment elevators are always slower than the offices, because you don't have to be home on time.

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