I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.


I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate. I've got it all!


Helene: It was sad for a Three Stooges picture, what with the dead baby and the Stooges being executed and all.
Kramer: Yeah, well that was an unusual choice for the Stooges.

George: God would never let me be successful; he'd kill me first. He'd never let me be happy.
Therapist: I thought you didn't believe in God?
George: I do for the bad things.

That's it! Flaming globes of Sigmund! Flaming globes of Sigmund! That's my note! That's what I thought was so funny? That's not funny. There's nothing funny about that.


I've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution.


(to George) That's what you had to tell me? Your father wears sneakers in the pool?


I can't carry a pen, I'm afraid I'll puncture my scrotum.


I had a leather jacket that got ruined. Now, why does moisture ruin leather? I don't get this. Aren't cows outside most of the time? I don't understand it. When it's raining do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in, we're all wearing leather. Open the door! We're gonna ruin the whole outfit here!" "Is it suede?" "I am suede, the whole thing is suede, I can't have this cleaned. It's all I got!"


No, no, no, you don't understand! I'm not a lesbian! I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian!


Elaine: Snapple?
Babu's Brother: No, too fruity.

George: You can't break up with me. I've got hand!Noel: And you're gonna need it.

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