Favorite Seinfeld Quotes
I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate. I've got it all!George
I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.George
Helene: It was sad for a Three Stooges picture, what with the dead baby and the Stooges being executed and all.
Kramer: Yeah, well that was an unusual choice for the Stooges.
George: God would never let me be successful; he'd kill me first. He'd never let me be happy.
Therapist: I thought you didn't believe in God?
George: I do for the bad things.
(to George) You know, you really need some help. But a regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like, Vienna, or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the university level. Like where Freud studied, and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No, you need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock, thinking about you, having conferences, observing you. Like the way they did with the Elephant Man.Jerry
That's it! Flaming globes of Sigmund! Flaming globes of Sigmund! That's my note! That's what I thought was so funny? That's not funny. There's nothing funny about that.Jerry
I can't carry a pen, I'm afraid I'll puncture my scrotum.George
Jerry: It smells like a cheap hooker. Or is that you?
Elaine: Give me ten bucks and find out.
The apartment elevators are always slower than the offices, because you don't have to be home on time.Jerry
I've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution.George
George: You can't break up with me. I've got hand!Noel: And you're gonna need it.
Naomi: I thought you were happy-go-lucky.
Jerry: No, no, no, I'm not happy, I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything, I'm sad-stop-unlucky.