Dan: What's your gut telling you, Jack?
Jack: My gut is car sick.

Dan: We're gonna be the Cops Who Cried Bank... it's a well-known children's story.
Jack: No, it isn't.

Dammit! This shirt was supposed to last me another six weeks.


If I could make myself less attractive to hot, young women, don't you think I'd do it?


I gotta up my cardio.


That guy's not a metal worker. He's a ninja. A ninja named Tommy.


Co-worker: Why are you wearing a wifebeater?
Dan: My shirt's undergoing some minor repairs. Sauce-related repairs.

Not only do I need to look at your gut. But now I need to listen to it?


Dan: I just want you to know if you're killed or maimed in there, I will take care of Liz and her mom.
Jack: That's the best reason to stay alive I can possibly imagine.

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