Co-worker: Why are you wearing a wifebeater?
Dan: My shirt's undergoing some minor repairs. Sauce-related repairs.

That guy's not a metal worker. He's a ninja. A ninja named Tommy.

Dan

I gotta up my cardio.

Dan

If I could make myself less attractive to hot, young women, don't you think I'd do it?

Dan

Dammit! This shirt was supposed to last me another six weeks.

Dan

Dan: We're gonna be the Cops Who Cried Bank... it's a well-known children's story.
Jack: No, it isn't.

Dan: What's your gut telling you, Jack?
Jack: My gut is car sick.

The Good Guys Quotes

You think it's a sign when the check-out lady asks paper or plastic.

Jack

After she took your manhood, where did she put it? Did she put it in a jar or something?

Dan