If you ever wondered if you were Michael Scott, here's a quiz to help. If you ever put sunblock on a window, you might be Michael Scott.


Kelly: I have made a list of people that I would make out with before I would make out with Michael Scott. A turtle, a fridge, anybody from the warehouse, a woodchipper, Kevin, a candle, and Lord Voldemort. Anyway, Happy Birthday Michael.
Michael: You're so lucky! Good one.

Jim: Several times a day, Michael says words that are way beyond my vocabulary.
Michael: I know where this is goin'.
Jim: Do ya?
Michael: No.
Jim: Ok. Remember Spider face?
Michael: No.
Jim: OK. 'Cause the quote was, cut off your nose to spiderface.
Michael: Spite her - okay.
Jim: Yeah.

Well, ya know, Michael is a great delegator. He never does any work himself. Ever. And one time, I walked in on him naked, and his thing is so small. If it were an iPod it would be a shuffle!


Well I just want to take a minute to talk to you all about something very serious. Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That man is Michael Scott.


It's very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. My guess? He's either deeply depressed, or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them. And I always say Michael, take two steps back, and stare at the icicle from the side. And he's like no, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them.


Dwight: Attention everyone, I just got a text from Michael. He says personnel day. Are we hiring?
Jim: Yep. You're being replaced.
Pam: I think he meant personal day.
Dwight: Oh, that's quite a leap Pam.
Phyllis: I hope he's ok, I feel bad.
Creed: Give it up, he's dead.
Jim: He just sent a text.
Creed: What's a text?

You know sometimes, to get perspective, I like to think about a spaceman on a star incredibly far away. And, our problems don't matter to him, because we're just a distant point of light. But he feels sorry for me, because he has an incredibly powerful microscope, and he can see my face. I'm okay. No, I'm not.


Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck. And you're gayer than Oscar. Boom. Roasted.


Red Cross woman: So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing?
Michael: No, Rose, they are not breathing. And, they have no arms or legs.
Red Cross woman: No that's not part of it.
Michael: Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we both resuscitating them? I mean what kind of quality of life do we have there?
Kevin: I would wanna live with no legs.
Michael: How 'bout no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin, you don't do anything.

Nobody should have to go to work thinking, oh this is the place that I might die today. That's what a hospital is for. An office, is for not dying. An office is a place to... live life to the fullest. To the max. To... an office is a place where dreams come true.


We found ourselves on the less prepared side of things when Stanley had his- when his heart went bezerk. And I knew exactly what to do but in a much more real sense I had no idea what to do. So I thought we should have a CPR training class. And... of course you can't get the practice dummy, unless the instructor comes along with it. Red Cross... racket.


The Office Season 5 Episode 13 Quotes

Michael: Jim: You're 6-11 and weigh 90 pounds. Gumby has a better body than you. Dwight, you're a kiss ass. Boom. Roasted. Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. Meredith, you've slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one. Boom. Roasted. Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. Creed, you're teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. Angela ... where's Angela? Whoa, there you are, I didn't see you there behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted. Oscar, you are... [Stanley laughs] Oscar, you're gay.

Stanley you will not die! Stanley! Stanley, Barack is president! You are BLACK, Stanley!