The Office Quotes
Oscar: I can play if you need any help.
Michael: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.
Michael: This is our warehouse. Or, as I like to call it, the whorehouse. But don't you call it that, I've earned the right.
Ryan: Fine, don't worry about that.
Michael: When I retire, I - I don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I want to be the guy who gives everything back. I want it to be like: "Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?" "Umm, well, uh, I don't know. It was anonymous." "Well, guess what? That was Michael Scott!" "But - it was anonymous, how do you know?" "...Because I'm him!"
I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that I get no pleasure out of saying the words "you're fired." "You're fired." Oh, "you're fired." He just makes people sad. And an office can't function that way. No way. "You're fired." I think if I had a catchphrase it would be "you're hired, and you can work here as long as you want." But that's unrealistic, so.
Michael
Dwight: Did you get your tickets?
Jim: To what?
Dwight: [kisses bicep] The gun show.
Meredith: [reading birthday card] This one's from Michael, "Let's hope the only downsizing this year is that someone downsizes your age."
Michael: Get it? 'Cause of the downsizing. Rumors. And 'cause you're old.
Meredith: I get it.
Michael: Meredith is so old...(how old is she?) Meredith is so old, that when she went to an antique store, they kept her. I got that off the internet, it's not mine. Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called she wants her age back and her divorces back! Get it? 'Cause she's getting old, and she's been divorced what, twice?
I think if I was allergic to dairy I'd kill myself.
Michael
Right now this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, this would be my career. And, uh, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.
Jim
Michael: There's a decision that needs to be made. And I'm having an unbelievably busy day. So I'm going to let you pick a health care plan for our office and then explain it to your co-workers.
Jim: Gosh.
Michael: Yeah!
Jim: That is a great offer.
Michael: Yeesh!
Jim: Thank you. I really think I should be concentrating on sales.
The most sacred thing I do is care. And provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them. Today I am in charge of picking a great new healthcare plan. Right, that's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um... yes. In a way. Yeah, like a specialist.
Michael
Dwight: Number one: Inverted penis.
Meredith: Could you mean vagina? Because, if you do, I want that covered.
Dwight: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy.
Meredith: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.
Dwight: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: So I can lower it.
