The Office

The Office Season 1 Quotes (Page 2)

Season 1 Episode 3: "Health Care"

Jim: Right now this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, this would be my career. And, uh, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Michael: There's a decision that needs to be made. And I'm having an unbelievably busy day. So I'm going to let you pick a health care plan for our office and then explain it to your co-workers.
Jim: Gosh.
Michael: Yeah!
Jim: That is a great offer.
Michael: Yeesh!
Jim: Thank you. I really think I should be concentrating on sales.
 • Rating: Unrated

Michael: The most sacred thing I do is care. And provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them. Today I am in charge of picking a great new healthcare plan. Right, that's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um... yes. In a way. Yeah, like a specialist.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dwight: Number one: Inverted penis.
Meredith: Could you mean vagina? Because, if you do, I want that covered.
Dwight: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy.
Meredith: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Dwight: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: So I can lower it.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Dwight: OK, first let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael: Uh, none. You're picking a health care plan.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Dwight: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me. I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Dwight [Reading suggestions for health care coverage]: Who thought of this one? Anal fissures.
Kevin: That's a real thing.
Dwight: Yeah, but no one here has it.
Kevin: Someone has it.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jim: Wait, what are you writing? Don't write ebola or mad cow disease, all right? Because I'm suffering from both of them.
Pam: I'm inventing new diseases.
Jim: Oh, great.
Pam: So, like, let's say that my teeth turn to liquid and then they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?
Jim: I thought you said you were inventing new diseases. That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
Pam: Nice.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dwight: Count Choculitus.
Jim: Sounds tough.
Dwight: Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
Jim: Do you?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 1 Episode 2: "Diversity Day"

Michael: I regret my actions. I regret offending my co-workers. I pledge to bring my best spirit of honesty, empathy, respect, and openmindedness... openmindedness, is that a word? Um... into the workplace. In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed (holds up the paper) Daffy Duck. (laughs) He's gonna lose it when he reads that.
 • Rating: Unrated

Michael: You know what, here's what we're going to do. Let's go around and everybody, everybody, name a race you are attracted to sexually. I will go last. (Dwight raises his hand) Go!
Dwight: I have two. White and Indian.
 • Rating: Unrated

Kevin: [to Angela, who is role-playing as a Jamaican] Do you wanna go to the beach?
Angela: Sure.
Kevin: Do you wanna get high?
Angela: No.
Kevin: I think you do... mon.
 • Rating: Unrated

Michael: [after role-playing exercise] You'll notice I didn't have anybody being Arab. I thought that would be too explosive...no pun intended. But I just thought, 'too soon' for Arabs. Maybe next year. The ball's in their court.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jim: Thanks Dwight.
Dwight: Retaliation. Tit for tit.
Jim: *That* is not the expression
Dwight: Well it should be.
 • Rating: Unrated

Michael: Abraham Lincoln once said that "If you are a racist, I will attack you with the North," and those are the principles I carry with me in the workplace.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 1 Episode 1: "Pilot"

Michael: My proudest moment here wasn't when I increased profits by 17 percent, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No no no. It was a young Guatemalan guy, first job in the country, barely spoke a word of English, but he came to me and said, "Mr. Scott, will you be the godfather to my child?" Wow... wow. Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Michael: So, uh, have you felt the vibe yet? We work hard, we play hard. Sometimes we play hard when we should be working hard, right? Um, I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I am a friend first and a boss second. Probably an entertainer third.
 • Rating: Unrated

Michael: Jim, now is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into jello.
Jim: Okay. Dwight, I'm sorry, because I've always been your biggest flan.
Michael: [laughs] Oh, nice!! That's the way it is around here, just kind of goes round and round and round...
Ryan: [playing along] You should have put him in custardy.
Michael: Oh, hey! Yes! New guy, and he scores!
 • Rating: Unrated

Dwight: It's okay here, uh, but people sometimes take advantage, because it's so relaxed. And, I'm a volunteer sheriff's deputy on the weekends, and you cannot screw around there. It's sort of one of the rules.
 • Rating: Unrated

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