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Head Of Kwik-E-Mart: You may ask me three questions.
Apu: That's great, because I only need one!
Homer: Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?
Head Of Kwik-E-Mart: Yes--
Homer: Really!?
Head Of Kwik-E-Mart: Yes--
Homer: You!?
Head Of Kwik-E-Mart: Yes. I hope this has been enlightening to you. Thank you, come again!

Apu: I must go to the head office and appeal my case!
Homer: I'm coming with you! I got you fired, it's the least I can do. Well, the least I could do is absolutely nothing, but I'll go you one better and come along!

James Woods: Okay you're you, I'm me.
Jimbo: I'm me!?
James Woods: Hey don't...jerk me around, fella.

Marge: Ooh, Lisa, is that too spicy for you?
Lisa: I can see through time!

Customer: This is what I think of your store! (Scrunches up a Twinkie)
Apu: Silly customer! You cannot hurt a Twinkie!

Kent Brockman: And now a message from the Church of Latter-Day Saints.
Dog: (on TV) Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! ...
Lisa: Dad! Are you listening to me?
Homer: Shh, Lisa! the dog is barking!

(As he's drowning in cranberry juice) Help me! Help me! (Goes under, comes up again) Mmm, it's cran-tastic!

Squeaky-Voiced Teen

Marge: If it weren't for Apu, we'd still be in line at the Monster Mart.
Lisa: And he taught me how to play the shenai. (Plays shenai and terrible sound comes out.)
Homer: (Shudders) That's even worse than the album Grampa released.

"Who Needs the Kwik-E-Mart" Lyrics
Apu: You see, whether igloo hut, or lean-to, or a geodesic dome,
There's no structure I have been to, which I'd rather call my home.
Grampa: Hello. (Apu takes his walking stick)Aaah!
Apu: When I first arrived, you were all such jerks,
But now I've come to looooooove your quirks.
Maggie with her eyes so bright,
Marge with hair by Frank Lloyd Wright,
Lisa can philosophize; Bart's adept at spinning lies,
Homer's a delightful fella, sorry about the salmonella.
Homer: Heh heh, that's OK.
(Apu pulls out a chair Grampa was about to sit on and stands on it)
Grampa: Aaah!
Apu: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Now here's the tricky part.
Oh, won't you rhyme with me?
Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Marge: Their floors are Stick-E-Mart,
Lisa: They make Dad Sick-E-Mart,
Bart: Let's hurl a Brick-E-Mart,
Homer: The Kwik-E-Mart is real D'oh!
All: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Apu: Not meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Simpsons: Forget the Kwik-E-Mart,
Goodbye to Kwik-E-Mart,
Who needs the Kwik-E-mart?
Apu: Not me!
Homer: Things wrapped up quite nicely, and much earlier than usual.
Apu: (Apu sorrowfully singing) Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart I dooooo.
Homer: Hey! He lied to us through song, I hate when people do that.

Homer: Your old meat made me sick.
Apu: I am so sorry, sir. Please accept five pounds of frozen shrimp.
Homer: These shrimp aren't frozen, and they smell funny.
Apu: Okay, ten pounds.
Homer: Woohoo!

(on the phone) How can it be the same movie if they've changed my character from a tightly-wound convenience store clerk to a jittery Eskimo firefighter? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Well, actually that's a pretty good explanation. Okay, look, book me a flight, rent me an igloo, and tell those dorks at the Kwik-E-Mart that boom, I am out of here. I'm a dot, I'm gone, okay? What do you mean I gotta give two weeks notice? Lousy, fricking, no-good mother(bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) cheese! (Pause) No, not you, I'm just talking to my oven.

James Woods

No way, man! No way, man! Get yourself another patsy, man! No way am I wearing a freakin' wire!

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 28 in total

The Simpsons Season 5 Episode 13 Quotes

(Apu sees Homer in the shower with a candy stuck in his chest)
Apu: What's that?
Homer: EhI like to leave it there.

Oh, stomach churning...bowels clenching...not much time...must finish.

</i> Homer
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