The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXThe Simpsons Season 2 Episode 15: "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?" Quotes
(Homer's artsy commercial for his newly designed car: The commercial uses far away shots of Homer driving the car on a mountain road overlooking the ocean and up close shots of Homer inside the car.)
Woman: (Off camera and singing.) Whatever Homer wants
Homer: (Narrating) All my life, I have searched for a car that feels a certain way.
Woman: (Off camera and singing.) Homer gets.
Homer: (Narrating) Powerful like a gorilla, yet soft and yielding like a Nerf ball. Now, at last, I have found it.
(A title card reads: "Homer, The Car Built for Homer.")
(Herb gives the Simpsons a tour of his mansion.)
Herb: While you're here, I want you to make yourselves right at home. Anytime you're hungry, anytime day or night, Cook will make you anything you want.
Homer: Even pork chops?
Herb: Absolutely. We have a tennis court, a swimming pool, a screening room--
Homer: You mean, if I want pork chops, even in the middle of the night, your guy will fry 'em up?
Herb: Sure. That's what he's paid for. Now, if you need towels, laundry--
Homer: Wait!
Herb: Maids--
Homer: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Let me see if I've got this straight. It's Christmas day, 4:00 a.m., there's a rumble in my stomach--
Marge: Homer, please!
Herb: (Laughs and grabs Homer around the shoulder.) Your old man sure loves pork chops!
Bart: (Laughs) He sure does, Uncle Herb.
(Homer introduces his kids to Herb.)
Herb: So, Lisa, are you the little hell-raiser your father told me about?
Lisa: No, sir. I can assure I'm not.
Bart: (Proudly) I'm the little hell-raiser, sir.
Marge: Would you like to hold the baby, Herb?
Herb: Oh, I'm afraid I wouldn't know how.
Homer: (Holding Maggie in one arm.) Oh, what's to know? Just dive in. Catch! (Tosses Maggie over to Herb.)
Herb: Oh! (Catches Maggie in his arms and smells her.) God, that new baby smell. Homer, you're the richest man I know.
Homer: (In awe) I feel the same about you.
(Homer attempts to contact his long lost brother over the phone)
Marge: Any luck, Homey?
Homer: No, I called all three Herbert Powells in Detroit. Nothing.
Marge: Hmm. Well, you wanna try that H. Powell? (Points in phonebook)
Homer: H.! Of course! That could stand for Herbert! It's a long shot, but--(Dials the phone)
(Bart and Lisa bicker at the dinner table.)
Homer: Quiet, you kids! If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.
Bart and Lisa: (In unison) Dad!
Homer: Not one word!
(Bart and Lisa trade insults via sign language and giggle at each other.)
Homer: I thought I said knock it off.
Lisa: We didn't say anything.
Bart: Not one word.
Homer: Well, no "pantomomine" either.
(Homer visits the Shelbyville Orphanage in search of his brother.)
Director: I know how you feel, Mr. Simpson. I myself have spent years searching for my long-lost twin brother.
Homer: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I wish I could help you, but we're looking for my brother today. Can you tell me his name?
Director: Hmm. According to our records, a Mr. and Mrs. Powell adopted your brother and named him Herbert.
Homer: Herbert! Herbert Powell! Great! Where can I find him?
Director: (Sighs) I'm sorry. I'm not allowed to release that information.
Homer: Oh, please, please! This is my life we're talking about here. Please!
Director: Well, I--I do sympathize with your situation, Mr. Simpson. After all your brother could be anywhere. (Reaches across his desk, grabs Homer's hands and stares him in the eye.) Even Detroit.
Homer: I know he could be anywhere, that's why I want you to narrow it down! Please!
Director: You know, Mr. Simpson, if you ask me, (Points at Herb's file folder) the city of Brotherly Love isn't Philadelphia. It's...Detroit.
Homer: Well, if you ask me, changing the subject makes you the most worthless, heartless excuse for a human being I ever--
Director: Read between the lines, you fool
Homer: Oh! Oh, I get it! Okay. (Puts a twenty dollar bill on the Director's desk.) Here's twenty bucks. Now will you tell me where my brother lives?
Director: Mr. Simpson, I don't want your--
Homer: Just take it and tell me!
Director: (Frustrated) Detroit. He lives in Detroit.
Homer: (Sarcastically) Fine! Thank you!
Herb: Welcome to my home, brother.
(Herb waves his arm towards his mansion.)
Homer: Holy moly! The bastard's rich!
(Homer makes demands to the car engineers about what neesds to go in the new car.)
Homer: All right, you eggheads! I want a place in this car to put my drink!
Engineer: Sir, the-the car has a beverage holder.
Homer: Hello! Hello, Einstein! I said a place to put my drink. You know those Super Slakers they sell at the Kwik-E-Mart? (Makes a large circle with his hands.) The cup is this big!
Engineer: (Talks as he writes on a clipboard.) Extremly large beverage holder.
Homer: I'm not done yet. You know that little ball you put on the aerial so you can find your car in the parking lot? That should be on every car!
Engineer: (Talks as he writes on a clipboard.) Litte ball.
Homer: And some things are so snazzy, they never go out of style! Like tail fins and bubble domes and shag carpeting.
Engineer: I gotta call the boss.
Herb: Homer, I need your help.
Homer: You do?
Herb: Yeah. I want you to help me design a car. A car for all the Homer Simpsons out there. And I want to pay you $200,000 a year!
Homer: And I wanna let you!
Herb: So, Marge, a little about yourself.
Marge: Hmm. Well, I met Homer in high school. We got married and had three beautiful children.
Herb: Wow, we have so much catching up to do.
Marge: Hmm. Actually, I just told you pretty much everything.
(Homer and Herb meet face to face.)
Herb: Homer?
Homer: Herb?
Homer and Herb: (In unison) You look just like--
(They point at each other's hair.)
Homer: (In unison with Herb) Except you got a little more--
Herb: (In unison with Homer) Except you got a little less--
(They point at each other's stomachs.)
Homer: (In unison with Herb) And a little less--
Herb: (In unison with Homer) And a little more--
Homer and Herb: God, I feel so--
(They happily embrace.)
Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?
Homer: Just a little further.
Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?
Homer: Just a little further.
Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?
Homer: Just a little further.
Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?
Homer: (Yells) Just a little further!
Marge: Bart, Lisa, if you don't behave, we'll turn this car right around and go home.
Homer: But, Marge, I want to see my brother.
Marge: Oh, for God's sakes, Homer, it's an empty threat.
Homer: Oh.
