The Simpsons

The Simpsons Season 18 Quotes (Page 19)

Season 18 Episode 2: "Jazzy and the Pussycats"

Bart: I need you to teach me all about the world of juzz.
Lisa: It's jazz! Jazz! You don't even know the name of the thing you're stealing from me!
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Lisa: All I wanted was to save those animals while Bart became a drummer, but I never thought the two stories would intersect!
 • Rating: Unrated

Bart: So how did Malt Liquor Mommy die?
Marge: Stop calling her that!
 • Rating: Unrated

Jazzy Goodtimes Waiter: What it is, hip cats? Would you like me to scat-sing the menu?
Bart: Hell, no.
Jazzy Goodtimes Waiter: Oh, god bless you, sir!
 • Rating: Unrated

Bart: Jazz folks may have the smallest apartments, but they have the biggest hearts! And the biggest heart I know lives inside my sister, Lisa.
(entire audience gasps)
 • Rating: Unrated

(after informing the family that all of the animals Lisa has rescued will be gathered up and killed)
Chief Wiggum: Can I borrow that ostrich?
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 18 Episode 1: "The Mook, the Chef, the Wife and Her Homer"

(In her car, Marge picks up Milhouse for school.)
Milhouse: I brought my own car seat. Look!
(Milhouse straps himself in.)
Milhouse: Hey, Lisa, my safety bar matches your eyes. (Laughs)
 • Rating: Unrated

(Nelson finds out Michael's dad is Fat Tony.)
Nelson: Your dad's a mob boss? (Laughs nervously) Please don't have me whacked! I was just kiddin' around! We were all havin' fun. Wasn't it fun? (Laughs nervously) Oh, fun is so fun. (Laughs nervously) There is no Mafia!
(Nelson pulls his own shirt over his face.)
Nelson: Columbus Day is better than Christmas!
 • Rating: Unrated

(Homer tastes one of Michael's souffls.)
Homer: Mmm. Oh, this must be what angels taste like!
 • Rating: Unrated

(Michael and Fat Tony invite the Simpson family over for dinner.)
Marge: We'd love to! You know, I've never met you wife.
Fat Tony: Sadly, my Anna Maria was whacked by natural causes.
Marge: Oh, you're a widower.
Fat Tony: I bring flowers to her grave every Sunday.
Marge: Ooh, flowers every week! I wish I was dead.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

(Fat Tony drives the school carpool home.)
Fat Tony: Milhouse, may I borrow your three-ring binder?
(Milhouse holds up two binders.)
Milhouse: Garfield or Love Is...?"
Fat Tony: Uh, I prefer the cat. He hates Mondays. We can all relate.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Bart, Legs and Louie pay a vist to Krusty the Clown at Krusty Burger.)
Bart: Krusty, Fat Tony hasn't received his weekly payment for keeping McDonald's and Burger King out of town.
Krusty the Clown: Well, I'm a little short this week. Could I just pay you $5 to keep out Hardee's?
 • Rating: Unrated

(On the way to school, Otto stops the bus and offers Metallica a ride; their tour bus has broken down.)
Otto: So what are you waiting for? Hop in.
James Hetfield: (Chuckles) Hop in what?
(The school bus peels away with Bart at the wheel.)
Bart: Look at me, I'm Otto! I'm a hundred years old and I drive a school bus!
Otto: Oh, man. Maybe me and Metallica can go splitsies on a cab.
(Hans Moleman slowly drives by in a pickup truck, with Metallica and their gear in the bed of the truck.)
Kirk Hammett: Hey, loser, we got a ride from a real fan!
Hans Moleman: I used to sleep with Lars' grandmother.
Robert Trujillo: Never listen to our music again!
(Hans Moleman pulls away as Metallica plays an instrumental from the song, "Master of Puppets.")
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

(Homer is amazed at Fat Tony's home.)
Homer: Wow, your paintings have brush marks. (Gasps) And your statues have weiners!
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

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