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Jake: I don't understand why I can't have the blue tuxedo.
Alan: Because you're going to a wedding, not hosting a game show on Telemundo

Alan: When Judith was divorcing me, who seduced and then abandoned my lawyer, causing her to take revenge on me?
Charlie: Hold on, that chick was nuts.
Alan: I lost everything!
Charlie: Well, to be fair, you didn't have that much to begin with

Jake: I'm her son.. she has to be proud of me.
Alan: You think so, huh? Have you met my mother?
Jake: Oh, yeah

Myra: And it's my first trip to L.A., so I want to do all the traditional stuff.
Charlie: Tomorrow we're going to sit in rush hour traffic and give other drivers the finger

Not based on sex? Well, unless she sweats bourbon and farts hundred-dollar bills, what exactly is going to keep you together?

Berta [on Charlie's relationship]

Charlie: So, drinking in the dark, eh?
Alan: Wasn't dark when I started

Charlie: You know something; I just realized that I'm two for two at Judith's weddings.
Myra: What a coincidence, I'm two for two at Herb's weddings

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