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Berta: Oh crap.
Alan: What?
Berta: Just a little disappointed. I saw Chelsea's car in the driveway and didn't see yours.

Jake: What's the deal are, they back together or was that just a booty call?
Alan: What do you know about booty calls?
Jake: In theory? Everything.

Hey Uncle Charlie you look like a 70's porn star... I'm guessing.


Alan: I'm just supposed to leave my car by the side of the road. What happens if someone tries to steal it?
Charlie: Good thinking. Leave the keys, gas money and a thank you note.

Alan: Don't insult the green lifestyle. I work very hard to reduce my carbon footprint.
Charlie: You're a mooch and a miser, don't try and make it sound hip.

Charlie: I'm hammered, how's it going to look if I get a DUI spying on my ex-girlfriend.
Alan: He's very responsible about drinking and stalking.

Charlie: I can't believe she's already dating.
Alan: You're kidding right? The day after she moved out you ran off to Vegas to marry a stripper.
Charlie: We grieve in different ways. Besides, the stripper was already married so no harm, no foul.

Charlie: I'm gonna hate this movie.
Alan: How do you know?
Charlie: Because it has subtitles. The only good subtitles are for Nazis, drug lords and space aliens. Oh and kung fu.

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