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Alan: All right, even if I weren't deathly ill, which I am, I wouldn't go out on a blind double date with you!
Charlie: Why not?
Alan: Summer of my junior year? The Seals and Crofts concert? You got the incredible cheerleader, and I got her sister, The Incredible Hulk!?

Charlie: Rose, this really isn't the best time. Alan is pretty sick.
Rose: Oh, no. Poor Alan, is Charlie taking good care of you?
Alan: Not really.
Rose: Would you like me to take care of you?
Alan: Not really

Charlie: Hey, how can you tell that an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
Jake: How?
Charlie: There's footprints in the cheesecake.
Jake: But we don't have a cheesecake.
Charlie: That's the part you don't buy?

Charlie: Hey, hey. Maple Loops is part of a nutritious balanced breakfast.
Alan: Yeah, if you eat it with a steak and some broccoli

Rose: Do you feel the healing energy?
Alan: If I say yes, will you get off me?

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