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Two-and-a-half-men

Charlie: You're leaving too, right?
Alan: Yes, relax. I plan on spending Christmas eve at a movie theater all by myself just so you can have sex tonight.
Charlie: You could have sex too, just pick the right movie theater.

Herb: Honey, we've got a long drive ahead of us. (turns to Alan) We're spending the holidays in San Diego with my parents.
Judith: That's why I need eggnog.
Herb: Hey, I spent thanksgiving with your parents.
Alan: Oh, really, your mom's out of rehab?
Judith: Yes, my mom's out of rehab.
Herb: Actually she kind of jumped the fence.
Alan: Well, the woman's going to be your mother-in-law, you might as well get used to it. [to Judith]: Remember the time she rode out of Betty Ford on a lawn mower? On the plus side, she bakes Toll House cookies with walnuts and Demerol

Alan: Kandi, What are you doing here?
Kandi: I didn't want to be alone on Christmas Eve and I didn't know where else to go.
Alan: Where's your new boyfriend?
Kandi: He decided to spend Christmas with his family.
Alan: Why didn't he bring you along?
Kandi: He thought it would make his wife uncomfortable

Herb: I'm a doctor!
Kandi: A real one, or like Alan?
Herb: I'm a pediatrician.
Kandi: Wow, so you're into feet.
Herb: No, children.
Kandi: Isn't that illegal?

Dorothy: Listen, Alan, I'm looking for my daughter.
Alan: Drunk blonde?
Dorothy: Well, she isn't always blonde

Evelyn: I forbid you to see this woman anymore.
Charlie: You forbid? What gives you the right to forbid? I'm 39-year-old.
Evelyn: I'm your mother, you are 40, and you must not see this woman anymore!
Charlie: Mom, you know that just makes me want her more.
Evelyn: Charlie I mean it!
Charlie: I'm getting hotter.
Evelyn: Look I know certain things about Gloria's past which are, well, unsavory.
Charlie: Okay, I'm going supernova.
Evelyn: Will you listen to me! If you continue to see this woman it will hurt me deeply.
Charlie: I may have to marry this girl

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