Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men "Walnuts and Demerol" Quotes

Charlie: Rose, this isn't a Christmas party!
Rose: Then what do you call this?
Charlie: The beginning of a news story that ends with the phrase "And then he turned the weapon on himself"
 • Rating: Unrated

Judith: Tell your ex-wife to stop flirting with my fiancé.
Alan: Actually, the way I see it your peanut butter is all over my chocolate.
Judith: Alan, I can make your life a living hell.
Alan: How would I know the difference
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Rose: Charlie found his boundary.
Berta: It's a miracle.
Rose: A Christmas miracle
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: Hey. I'm mixing up the eggnog, you want this broad lit up, or just slightly glowing?
Charlie: Well let's see. We're celebrating peace on earth and goodwill towards all mankind, so lets get her ploughed.
Berta: Hallelujah!
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: Ahh, ain't that sweet? Every time a guy has sex, an angel gets a stiffy
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Dorothy: Alan?
Alan: Uh, yes.
Dorothy: I haven't seen you in thirty-five years.
Alan: No kidding. Uh, I'm sorry, I...I...I don't remember you.
Dorothy: Oh, well I'm not surprised. At the time you were busy learning to use the big boy potty.
Alan: Ah, well. I did it!
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: This is kind of exciting. [unwraps gift] Fart in a Can?
Jake: You don't have one, do you?
Charlie: Well, I've got you, but this is good for travel
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta [carrying more eggnog]: Here we go, more fuel for the fire.
Charlie: You said you were going home.
Berta: Well, that was before I knew you were having a party.
Charlie: This isn't a party. It's just a bunch of people I don't like, standing around, drinking my booze. Oh, crap, it is a party
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: Stuff never goes back in the box the way it came out.
Charlie: That's a life lesson, Jake
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: You're leaving too, right?
Alan: Yes, relax. I plan on spending Christmas eve at a movie theater all by myself just so you can have sex tonight.
Charlie: You could have sex too, just pick the right movie theater.
 • Rating: Unrated

Are we missing your favorite quote from "Walnuts and Demerol?" Submit it here and get points for adding quotes!