Family Guy Quotes: "Quagmire's Baby"

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Last night on Family Guy, Quagmire discovered that all his sexual exploits finally had repercussions when he learns he has a baby girl that gets dropped off on his doorstep during "Quagmire's Baby."  We're actually quite shocked Family Guy never went with this plotline before.

Quagmire actually steps it up and names the girl Ana Lee and attempts to raise her on his own, until she gets in the way of him getting laid.  That's when he puts the girl up for adoption.

Glen Quagmire and Baby

Meanwhile Stewie created clones for Brian and himself.  All in all it was a mediocre episode that had some decent Family Guy quotes.  Here's some of our favorites:

Stewie: Hey will you take me down to Baby Gap? I want to dress like a small douche. | permalink
Stewie: It's healthier than what they ate in the fifties...
Customer: Steak and donut sandwich please.
Waiter: You want cigarettes on that sandwich.
Customer: What do I look like a Mary? Of course I want cigarattes. | permalink
Quagmire [reading note]: Glen, this is your child, next time wear a condom jerk. Oh my god!
Peter: Wait, hang on, there's no guarantee it's your baby.
Baby: Gigitty.
Quagmire: Ooh, I say that. | permalink
Quagmire: How long you been in beauty school?
Candy: Two months.
Quagmire: Well tonight, we're doing facials! | permalink
Brian [about puddle of clone]: I'm not proud of this, but i'm gonna have to lick that up. | permalink
Joe: We shouldn't let this ruin our night, let's just enjoy the strippers.
Peter: I guess, I just hate how much that one gets into her work.
Stripper: You boys have been very naughty. I'm gonna have to assign you extra homework.
Peter: Fractions are so hard, what'd you get for number four?
Joe: She says don't share answers! | permalink

Eric Hochberger is the programmer of TV Fanatic, so please forgive his mediocre writing. His programming is far better. Follow him on Twitter and/or email him. Just don't request threaded comments. They're coming.

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Family Guy Quotes

Death Star Officer 1: Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe.
Stewie (Darth Vader): That is fantastic! Terrific work! So no weaknesses at all, huh?
Death Star Officer 1: N- (considers) no.
Stewie (Darth Vader): You, uh, you hesitated there. Is there something I should know?
Death Star Officer 1: No, it's virtually indestructable, like 99.99 percent.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Uh...OK, wouldn't be doin' my job if I didn't ask what's the .01?
Death Star Officer 1: Well, I- I mean, there's this little hole, it was kind of an aesthetic choice by the architect, and if you shoot a laser into this hole, uh, the station blows up.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that sounds like a pretty big design flaw there.
Death Star Officer 1: No, no, no the hole's only two meters across.
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Well, that's no bigger than a womp rat.
Death Star Officer 1: Exactly. And even to get within range of it, you have to skim along this whole trench, it's not a big deal.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Well, I mean, I mean, can't we board it up or, you know, put some plywood over it or something?
Death Star Officer 1: Well, that would look terrible! I mean, we got to think about re-sale.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Re-sale? Wh-what are you talking about? This property is right above Sunset, the value's only gonna go up.
Death Star Officer 1: Lord Vader, your inside references to the Los Angeles real estate market haven't given you the clairvoyance to turn a profit on that condo in Glendale, nor has it-
(Vader begins choking him with the Force)
Stewie (Darth Vader): I find your lack of faith disturbing. That property is in a prime location, twenty minutes to the beach, twenty minutes to downtown!
Death Star Officer 1: (choking) There's nothing to do downtown!
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Enough of this! Vader, release him.
Stewie (Darth Vader): As you wish. (releases the officer, who collapses on the table, gasping for air) All right, so we gonna plug up that hole?
Death Star Officer 2: Yeah, we can get it done tomorrow if price is no object.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Eyuuuuh...
Death Star Officer 2: We'll get estimates.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Yeah, get estimates, yeah ha, yeah, yeah ha ha, yeah.

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)