Dr. Kelso: Just because I can't hear your silly-ass whispering doesn't mean I'm old. As a matter of fact, I'm going to go over to my office and tinker with my new computer.
Turk: Ooh, what kind is it?
Dr. Kelso: It's about 3:30.

Dr. Kelso: Hey! Thanks to your little "telling me the wrong time prank" I was 45 minutes late for my oriental massage which meant that instead of Pang Wa I had to settle with Ching Yao.
Janitor: So?
Dr. Kelso: Ching Yao is a DUDE!

Dr. Cox: You know, Bobbo, I find you less repungent of late. Dare I say I'm developing a begrudging indifference to you.
Dr. Kelso: You're so edgy and cantankerous. You're like House without the limp.

Carla: At least you stopped crying.
Dr. Kelso: Not really. My body just can't produce tears anymore because I've intentionally dehydrated myself. It's a risky move, I know, but Dr. Jarvis here said it'd be alright.
Carla: There's nobody standing behind you.
Dr. Kelso: I'm going to need an IV.

Dr. Kelso: Nurse Espinosa, I need your help with something. My dog, Baxter, passed away last night. I dealt with it emotionally but, unfortunately, I can't stop crying. Anyway, I need you to run interference for me today; keep people from seeing me looking vulnerable and so forth.
Carla: So, you think I'll automatically do this? You think my ego is so big that I'll be flattered that I'm the only one you can open up to? I'll do it.

Dr. Cox: Hey Carla! You're glowing!
Carla: (Smiling) Really?!
Dr. Kelso: Nurse Espinosa, have your breasts gotten bigger?
Carla: Wow, Dr. Kelso! That's innapropriate!
Turk: Baby, that sounds like a compliment to me. Maybe you're just a little hormonal...

Carla: Sir, quick question?
Dr. Kelso: Make it very quick. I'm about to vomit.
Carla: Why was I told to drop everything and look after some new patient coming in?
Dr. Kelso: Mr. Sommers is the cousin of one of the trustees. Not important enough to warrant any face time with me, but connected enough that if one of these ding-dongs kills him it'll be my ass.

All day sucker my ass. Try twenty minutes.

Dr. Kelso

Attention surgical residents still hoping to have a job next year. The annual blood drive is upon us, and I will be needing a volunteer to greet our donors as the hospital's new mascot, the friendly hypodermic needle, Mr. Prick... We'll probably change the name.

Dr. Kelso

J.D.: Carla, can you cover my patients?
Dr. Kelso: She's already watching someone for me.
J.D.: Alright, I'll find somebody else.
Carla: Why, because I'm just a nurse I can't look after everybody?
Dr. Kelso: Precisely.

Dr. Kelso: Larry has Mr. Spot on his lung. Don't you worry, we'll pop that lung out of there, get it off to the dry cleaners and have it back to you a little after 5:00. Ha ha ha. We like to have fun.

So, you've all banded together. I honestly never thought I'd see the day when we would pick the three surgeons who care for the people of this great hospital based solely on merit.

Dr. Kelso

Scrubs Quotes

Jordan: All right, I will see you at home in about an hour. Remember to keep him warm, support his head, check his diaper every fifteen minutes; no bouncing around, no loud noise, no TV, no poking the soft spot. And, Perry, you're the only one in my life that I actually have to say this to: Do not yell at, demean, insult, criticize, humiliate, or mock the baby.
Dr. Cox: What are you talking about?
[Jack starts crying]
Dr. Cox: Waaaah!

Laverne: I need to see you in Mr. Bursky's room.
J.D.: Are you flirting with me? You are, aren't you!