If I wanted to waste my breath, I would have given my wife CPR last night when she went into cardiac arrest.

Dr. Kelso

J.D.: ...you just gave me some good advice about how to deal about Elliot. Coocheecoochee coo!
Dr. Kelso: Can I fire him?
Dr. Cox: Sleep on it.

Dr. Cox: Why me?
Dr. Kelso: I know it's a minor condition Perry but you know how things can turn.
Dr. Cox: Why? You wanted me in there because I'm the best...what Bob?
Dr. Kelso: No!
Dr. Cox: Tell me Bob, or I'll go in there and tell her you're dying to be with her a lot more often.
Dr. Kelso: (Babbling) A shabble adi frabble.
Dr. Cox: Beg you pardon?
Dr. Kelso: You're the best Doctor.
Dr. Cox: (Moved to tears) Thank you Bob, means a lot to me!

Dr. Kelso: Is that Ted and a bunch of damn bikers?
Janitor: Why do you hate bikes so much, sir?
(Flashback with Kelso's childhood and his father)
Kelso's Father: Son, daddy has to move on. I just want you to know that since the car is in your mother's name, I wouldn't be able to leave the family forever if it wasn't for your bike.
(Present Day)
Dr. Kelso: It's complicated.

Now, let's talk, Ted. Just you and me. No lawyers.

Dr. Kelso

Patricia, its been a real pleasure having you here at Sacred Heart. And I certainly hope, the next time you fall ill, you remember us. Umm.. Im.. not implying that youll get ill. But..its just that... youre old and chances are good... Stop talking Robert!!

Dr. Kelso

Turk: Dr. Kelso, I'll go to that conference.
Dr. Kelso: Turkelton, I have many more pressing issues, starting with a gigantic paralyzed wife and ending with a gay son who has just written a scathing musical about me called Dr. Dad, which despite mixed reviews, has just been held over in Buffalo. So why don't you just do whatever...

Well, it seems I've stumbled into the "time-well-spent" ward. Back to your cage, Ted.

Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Who's a whore?
Elliot: That'd be me, sir!
Dr. Kelso: Oh.. of course!

J.D.: (Speaking at the microphone) This whole experience got me thinking about the nature of gratitude. I guess in the end, whether you're a doctor or a garbage man-
Dr. Kelso: Dorian! What are you doing?

Dr. Kelso: Eh, Dr. Reid, our hospital lecture series is tonight, and our psychologist, Dr. Burke, had to cancel his talk on fear of public speaking.
Elliot: Why, because he's afraid of speaking in public? Heh. Yeah.
Dr. Kelso: No, uh, his depression finally got the best of him, and he hung himself.

Dr. Kelso: Now, on your feet. They need you in the O.R. to assist on the heart transplant.
Turk: The Bolgers said yes?
Dr. Kelso: Mr. Bolger wanted you to have this.
He hands Turk a card.
Turk: His son's driver's license?
Dr. Kelso: Turn it over.
J.D.'s Narration: Every so often, a wizard comes along and tells you exactly what you need to hear.
Turk turns the license over to reveal a small heart-shaped icon on the back which reads "DONOR".
Dr. Kelso: Seems like you had a heart all along!

Scrubs Quotes

Jordan: All right, I will see you at home in about an hour. Remember to keep him warm, support his head, check his diaper every fifteen minutes; no bouncing around, no loud noise, no TV, no poking the soft spot. And, Perry, you're the only one in my life that I actually have to say this to: Do not yell at, demean, insult, criticize, humiliate, or mock the baby.
Dr. Cox: What are you talking about?
[Jack starts crying]
Dr. Cox: Waaaah!

Laverne: I need to see you in Mr. Bursky's room.
J.D.: Are you flirting with me? You are, aren't you!