Bree: It's six o'clock. How long have you been kneeling there?
Keith: I don't know, but after you answer this, I'm gonna need you to help me up.

Keith's mother: I promise to be on my best behavior.
Bree: I know you will. Because, as Keith told you, I have guns.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to the kitchen to ask if I can stand in their walk-in freezer.

Do you wanna talk about my perfect lawn? Nine years ago, my son found me face down drunk on it. It's true! He had to turn the sprinklers on to wake me up. Did you not know you're dating the biggest lush in Fairview?

Bree: I'll come if I can bring Keith.
Renee: I guess one child would be okay.

I better figure out a way to slow him down before this John Wayne walk becomes permanent.

Let's see. I'm getting a divorce, I lost my business, and I'm sitting here trying to remember why I quit drinking. I've had better Mondays.

You can never go wrong with a genuine compliment.

Bree: So we're back to being friends?
Susan: We never really stopped.

(to Orson) I am not sleeping in a bed that had your dead mistress' teeth in it!

Gloria: Hey Bree, may I come in?
Bree: What's a garden without a snake?

Bree: (to Gloria) Are those shoes suede?
Gloria: Yes, why?
Bree: (sprays Gloria's shoes with the garden hose) No reason.

Desperate Housewives Quotes

There is a prayer intended to give strength to people faced with circumstances they don't want to accept. The power of the prayer comes from it's insight into human nature. Because so many of us rage against the hand that life has dealt us. Because so many of us are cowardly. And afraid to stand up for what is right. Because so many of us give into despair when faced with an impossible choice. The good news for those who utter these words is that God will hear you and answer your prayer. The bad news is that sometimes the answer is no.

Mary Alice

I love you once. I love you twice. I love you more than beans and rice.

Mike