South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralChef Quotes
Chef: Thanks to you, we have children that like Phil Collins!
Pharmaceuticalist: Phil Collins?
Chef: That's right! You made them so dull and boring that they're actually going to go see a Phil Collins concert!
Pharmaceuticalist: Oh my God...it can't be...Phil Collins... (shudders)
Chef: Well look at you cute little crackers with your money and your fancy clothes and your cell phones. It's almost like you wereOh my God! Children, what have I told you about drugs?
Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny: There's a time and a place for everything and it's called college.
Oh my God! There's got to be at least 15 dollars here!
</i> Chef
Chef: Well whatever you're doing, just remember this: Having money may seem fun butOh never mind.
Jonathan: It's simple. Priest Maxi didn't want there to be a Halloween, so he decided to scare everyone away from the docks.
David: Yeah. And then he used this flashlight and some cotton swabs to create the ghosts. (shows the flashlight and swabs, then shines the light through the swabs. The pirate ghosts appear in the distance)
Fieldy: (with some cheese and a cup)Then all he needed was some sound effects created by this cup and a piece of cheese. (holds them to his mouth and sounds) Aaaaraargh!
Jonathan: And all he had to do then was create a ghost ship, by using some candles, a mirror, and two squirrels. (genuflects to place the candle between the mirror and the squirrels. A pirate ship appears on the lake)
Chef: Father, why did you go to all this trouble?
Fr. Maxi: Because Halloween is an abomination of God. I would do anything to stop this wretched, unholy holiday!
Chef: Including killing people and wreaking havoc all over South Park?
Brunet: Don't you see that by trying to stop Halloween you've scared the hell out of everybody?
Fr. Maxi: No.
Chefs love song:
Sometimes you fall in love!
And you think you'll feel that way forever!
You change your life and ignore your friends cause you think it can't get any better!
But then love goes away, no matter what it doesn't stay as strong!
And then your left with nothin cause your thinking with your dong!
So watch out for that lover! It can destroy like a typhoon wind!
Just play it cool and don't be a fool!
Mr.Garrison: And never let poontang come between you and your friend!
Chef: Damn Right Garrison!
(After being rescued by Chef)
Chef: Eric, i have to tell you something and it's really gonna bum you out.
Cartman: What?
Chef: It'll really piss you off.
Cartman: What, tell me!
Chef: This is just a dream, you're still up on that cross.
(Cartman wakes up an realizes he's still on the cross)
Cartman: Oh, dammit!
Mr. Garrison: Mephisto's been shot!
Chef: Is he dead??
Jimbo: Hey, look! This window has been shot open! That means the killer was not somebody in this room!
Mr. Garrison: Well, then who was it?
Announcer: Who shot Mephisto? Was it: The school counselor? Or was it Ms. Crabtree? Or was it-
Cartman: (interrupting) Hey! Wait a minute! I didn't find out who my father was!
Announcer: (continues) Or was it Mrs. Broflovski?
Chef: (after lights come back on) Is everybody okay?? That sounded like a gunshot!
Officer Barbrady: Oh, my god! Look!
(Everybody sees Mephesto's body, which has been shot at.)
Kenny: (mumbling) Oh my god, they killed Mephesto!
Kyle: You bastard!
Chef: Doctor, we've got a shot-cracker outside!
Doctor: I'll be right with you in a minute, right after I inject this man with a long needle.
Stan: Oh, man. I'm gonna be sick...
Doctor: There there, young man. Medical science is nothing to be afraid of. (injects the needle and Stan groans)
Nurse: Ooh, I think you're hitting the bone...
(Stan groans again.)
Doctor: Yes, I can feel the needle scraping in there.
(The patient starts bleeding.)
Doctor: Oop! He's hemorrhaging.
(Blood lands near Stan as he leaps away and shrieks; the patients head then falls off.)
Doctor: Oop! His head fell off!
Stan: (running away) I'm getting outta here!
Kyle: Stan!
Doctor: Well, some people just have a weak stomach.
Chef: Wait a second. They closed the pass??
Dr. Doctor: Yes. I'm afraid we're critically understaffed. Unless we get help soon, all these people here are completely ****ed.
(Everyone in the waiting room gasp in horror.)
Dr. Doctor: Metaphorically speaking, that is.
Cartman: (about Mephesto) So, how's he doing?
Kyle: He's bleeding pretty bad back there.
Chef: Don't let him bleed on my Meredith Baxter-Birney memorial towel.
Kyle: What's a Meredith Baxter-Birney memorial towel?
Chef: I actually was with Meredith Baxter-Birney in this very car. And afterwards we used that towel to Wait a minute! Why am I telling you this?
