South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralChef Quotes
Kyle: (to Chef) Hey, are you come to Ike's bris this weekend?
Chef: Oh, hell no! I can't bear to see that!
Stan: What do you mean?
Chef: Don't you boys know what a bris is?? They're going to circumcise him!
Cartman: Eh, what's that?
Chef: (to himself) Oh, boy. Here we go again (to the boys) Children, uh What's the one thing that's more sacred to a man than anything else in the world?
Stan: Uh, bicycles?
Cartman: Ham?
Kyle: No, not ham, you fat ****!
Cartman: (to Kyle) Screw you! (to Chef) It's ham, isn't it?
Chef: No no no, children. I'm talking about the most important part of a man's body.
Kyle: Uh, your heart?
Stan: Your eyes!
(Chef puts his hand on his head.)
Kenny: (muffled) I know! Your penis!
Chef: That's right!
Cartman: Hey! My mom says you're not supposed to call it a penis, Kenny! You're supposed to call it a fireman!
Chef: A fireman??
Cartman: That's the proper way to say it, or else you'll get a spanking!
Chef: (gets into car) Damn it, children! Why do I always have to be the one to explain all of this stuff to you? Ask your parents for once!
Kyle: Hey, wait!
(Chef drives off.)
Stan: (to Kenny) Dude, something tells me this "bris" thing isn't good!
Chef: Hello there, children!
Boys: Hey, Chef!
Kyle: How's it going?
Chef: Bad
Kyle: Why bad?
Chef: Children, I heard about what happened at school today! Now none of you tooked that nasty marijuana, did you?
Stan: No, dude! We never even saw it!
Chef: Okay, because I just want to tell you that drugs are bad.
Stan: We know, we know, that's what everybody says!
Chef: Right. But do you know WHY they're bad?
Kyle: Because they're an addictive solution to a greater problem, causing disease of both body and mind, the consequences far outweighing their supposed benefits.
Chef: And do you have ANY idea what that means?
Kyle: No.
Cartman: I know! Drugs are bad, because if you do drugs, you're a hippie; and hippies suck!
Chef: Boy, what the fudge are you doing?
Cartman: You know just layin' down some rhymes, with the G-folk, know what I'm sayin'
Chef: Get in here!
Cartman: West siy-eede.
Chef: Hello there, children! What's all this I hear about a new teacher?
Kyle: Ms. Ellen, dude; she's beautiful!
Chef: Is she like, uh, Vanessa Williams beautiful or Toni Braxton beautiful? Or Pamela Anderson beautiful? Or is she Erin Grey in the second season of "Buck Rogers" beautiful?
Stan: Yeah, that one!
Chef: (impressed) Wooof! I've got to meet this woman!
Cartman: You guys, shouldn't you be out shopping for my birthday present?
Kyle: Here Jesus, drink these raw eggs.
Jesus: No way dude!
Chef: I-I-I cant! I can't hit Jesus Christ! My mother will never speak to me again!
Stan: But you're his fighting partner Chef!
Kyle: Yeah! You have to hit him!
Jesus: Satan must be defeated Chef! Please help me train.
Chef: Ok, but I'm just gonna tap you alright?
Jesus: Give it your best shot! (Chef punches Jesus on the face) Oh!
Chef: Oh god in heaven! What have I done?
Jesus: Anybody got the number of that truck?
Chef: Say, where's Kyle?
Stan: We committed him?
Chef: Why?
Cartman: Cause he kept seeing this brown piece of Christmas Poo everywhere that he went.
Chef: Christmas Poo? You mean Mr. Hankey, right?
Stan: Uh oh.
Stan, Kyle, and Cartman: Trick or... (they scream as they see Chef hold up two chainsaws in front of them)
Chef: Get off my property, you brain-eating zombie bastards!
Stan, Kyle, and Cartman: Chef! It's us!
Chef: Oh! Sorry, children; I thought you were one of them!
Cartman: Can we have some candy now?
Chef: (referring to Cartman's "ghost" costume) Damn it, boy! Why are you dressed up like that?!
Cartman: I'm trying to trick-or-treat, goddammit!
Chef: Remind me to whoop your ass the next time I see you. Now get inside before the zombies get you. [
Principal Victoria: Good morning there, children. I love the Elvis costume, Chef.
Chef: Elvis? I'm Evel Knievel! Why the hell would I dress up like Elvis??
Principal Victoria: Well, why the hell would you dress up like Evel Knievel?
Chef: Hey, I know you. You're that crazy cracker from up on the hill top.
Dr. Mephisto: Sir, if splicing the DNA of humans and various animals together is crazy...
Chef: What's the matter Stan, you seem down.
Stan: I just, I can't concentrate because my dog is gay.
Chef: Well, you know what they say. You can't teach a gay dog straight tricks.
Mr. Garrison: Oh, stop filling his head with that queer-loving propaganda.
Chef: Say what? You of all people should be sympathetic.
Mr. Garrison: What do you mean?
Chef: Well, you're gay aren't you?
Mr. Garrison: What? What the hell are you talking about? I am not gay.
Chef: Well, you sure do act like it.
Mr. Garrison: I just act that way to get chicks, dumb ass.
Hey, down here. We are ready for your wisdom. And you only got twenty minutes before Sanford and Son is on.
Chef [to alien spacecraft]
An anal probe is when they stick a big metal hoob-a-joo up your butt.
