The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXChief Wiggum Quotes
Cheif Wiggum: Looks like you bought yourself a lottery ticket...to jail!
Lou: He's unconscious, sir.
Chief Wiggum: Ah, they can still hear things.
Umpire: Okay, let's go over the ground rules. You can't leave first until you chug a beer. Any man scoring has to chug a beer. You have to chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings. Oh, and the fourth inning is the beer inning.
Wiggum: Hey, we know how to play softball!
Eddie: She's locked in the car and refuses to move.
Chief Wiggum: Did you flash your lights?
Eddie: Yes.
Chief Wiggum: Well, I'm fresh out of ideas.
I'm afraid we've got a budget problem, Marge. Your boy picked a bad time to fall down a well. If he had done it at the beginning of the fiscal year, no problemo.
Chief Wiggum: You wouldn't happen to know anything about a cigarette truck that was hijacked outside of town, would you?
Fat Tony: What's a truck?
Chief Wiggum: Don't play dumb with me!
Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city. He is the cancer, and I am the...um...What cures cancer?
Chief Wiggum: You're all under arrest for the murder of Seymour Skinner!
Fat Tony: What's a murder?
Chief Wiggum: Don't play dumb with me!
(to Fat Tony) I'm not gonna stop until one of us is in jail. (pause) You!
Krusty the Clown: Hey, hey, what's goin' on here?
Chief Wiggum: Krusty the Clown, you're under arrest for armed robbery. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say--Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Krusty the Clown: What is this, a joke?
Well, we have no witnesses, no suspects, and no leads. If anyone has any information, please dial "0" and ask for the police. That number again, "0."
Clancy Wiggum
Let him go Lou, someone going that fast has no time for a ticket.
Lisa: Chief, my brother fell in the storm drain!
Chief Wiggum: I'm strictly an above the ground policeman, what you need is the sewer cops.
Lisa: Fine, what's the number?
Chief Wiggum: Lisa, you're old enough now that I can tell you the truth. There's no such thing as sewer cops. It's just something we tell the kids to feel safe.
Lisa: What about Bart?
Chief Wiggum: Well if you miss him, you can yell into a toilet.
